the world doesn't stop

the last couple of days, we all have been sick. kind of a good thing because it has forced us to stay home and rest. we have been on the go [even though all of us were fighting sickness] and have felt rushed around and not stopped to just be. with all of the rushing, there have been moments that i have written about here where i have been reminded of Brian in some way in the midst of it all.

then, here are the last two days, full of rest and serenity. i have studied his picture, heard a few certain songs that he liked or that reminded me of him, seen a bee or two [there was one on the floor at the APU theatre the other day -- i'll have to tell Av], or any number of things and have not shed a tear. then today -- well, forget it! all bets are off because i was a faucet nearly all afternoon and evening. a house, a turkey, a toothbrush -- bring on the memories; bring on the tears.

it's funny that i am writing about this because i get together with friends or talk with people and some wonder how i am even functioning and wonder why i am not crying all the time. a new friend even asked me why i let the girls be in the play. "well," i told her, "life goes on. on the inside - in my heart - it feels like life for me has stopped in some way - but the world just keeps on going. as they say, 'the show must go on.' the world doesn't stop for me even though i want it to."

sometimes i wish it would stop and 'look' at me, my family, and pause for a moment but it doesn't. kind of like that song/musical, "stop the world... i wanna get off." but the world - people - are in perpetual motion. everything keeps going. it doesn't stop. it's the natural order of things.

when i am not shedding tears, especially when i go a day or two, there's not a guilt but a sorrow i feel when the tears aren't coming. like a friend whom one talks to everyday that just doesn't make contact. like Brian is slipping away from me somehow. like i am forgetting. in fact, when i have dreams about him, i ask him to stay or beg him not to go when i am on the verge of awakening. i want to talk just a few minutes longer or see him a few moments more. i have even told the kids in my sleep not to bother me because i am talking to Daddy. but i digress.

there's comfort in tears, oddly enough, but pain too. they often come out of the blue when i least expect them, but as strange as it may seem, i welcome them.

things are different that one might expect in a Life After.