Wednesday, June 30, 2010

RT 2010 - a road of grief

The kids and I had a fun time in Sacramento seeing the sights.
Now we are here in Weed, CA, and the journey here from Sacramento has been a grievous one. so many memories of very poignant moments in our lives, especially the last few years.

Along the way there was field after field of the most beautiful sunflowers.

Comforting in many ways but an intense reminder of him and his love for us.

Monday, June 28, 2010

RT 2010 - forever absent

Tonight as I write, tears sting my eyes as I feel Brian's absence so strongly. It's quite a thing to travel and realize you are ALONE. And will forever be missing your loved one's presence until that day in the heavenlies when we see them again.

We are in Sacramento now where it was a blazing 111*F! When we got here we went to the Blue Diamond almond factory and then checked in to the hotel and went swimming. I could hear Brian's voice as I watched the kids in the pool. His warnings and laughter, his teasing and stolen moments with the kids. Oh, how my heart aches. Oh, how I wish he were here enjoying this time with us!

We had such a wonderful time with our friends on their Ranch. So fulfilling and so needed. I pray that our time tomorrow will be peaceful and full of joy!


Sunday, June 27, 2010

RT 2010 - being refreshed and renewed

Aaaahhhh, friends. Deep breath in.... exhale out from deep within.

As I lie here in my bed, the moon spills it's gentle light on to my pillow. It illuminates enough to see but not like the overpowering light of the sun. That is exactly how things have been here on the ranch in Fresno. Areas in my life being illuminated enough for me to see them. Recognizing their existence and being reminded of their presence but not having them be under great magnification... just gentle reminders.

The past two years have been filled with trying times, more significantly the last ten months. I have a passion for Jesus -- this is being renewed. I have a passion for homeschooling my children and helping others along their own homeschooling journey -- this is being restored.

The hand of Providence led me here to this place with these friends that I might begin this incredible adventure with passion and direction, learning once again about my mission and what God has called me to do and what he has called our family to be about.
Thank you God for that subtle illumination. May things be revealed in the soft sun of the morning with great fervor and ignited to flame in the heat by midday. Let not the sun go down on us before we have seen all there is to see for the ways we might glorify you.

As Jewish tradition states, 'the day begins the night before.' Thank you. O most high God!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

road trip 2010

Well, we have embarked on a three week journey that will take us to see friends and family in three states.

We made it to our first stop in Fresno. We are visiting the Nicholsons. Such an awesome family. We are blessed to have them in our life as family in Christ! Stacie and I struck up a friendship spontaneously one day after American Heritage Girls in Pasadena and the next week they moved. 2 months later Brian, the kids and I drove up for a visit and felt the power of the Holy Spirit moving among us, having the best time... not wanting to leave. But we did leave and faced so much... both families. Now these folks live on a 5 acre ranch ready to take on the world and seeking God's direction all the way.

I am so blessed to be here. I couldn't think of a better way to begin our journey as family... literally and figuratively.

Hey you guys.... you are loved!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

9 months

I am lying here in my bed alone.

Thinking about the date, I realize my intense emotions about June 9. If Brian were still alive, we'd be halfway back to normal. Maybe. But no. Now it is the "new normal," as they say. A life void of one's companion. My longing for Brian and my sadness of losing him has been so deep and so intense these last few days that I cannot even begin to describe it, except that perhaps I feel it to the deepest parts of me. I want to talk to him, touch him, hold him tight. But I cannot. He is not there.

Hello loneliness.

Hello emptiness.

Hello grief.

I think I'm going to cry.... yup, I am.

9 months. It feels like no time has passed, but yet an eternity. OH HOW I WISH YOU WERE HERE! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO? I miss you!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

kid in a candy store

Literally. Ian walked in to Cousin's Candy Store in Old Town San Diego about 20 feet ahead of me. The place was so small -- it was cramped and crowded. I couldn't find him. Next thing I know, he says, "hi mom" with a mouth full of yellow taffy, drooling all over the place. After that it was like controlling an octopus in a school of fish. Grabbing anything and everything to shove in his mouth.

Boy, am I tired....

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

anger -- part deux

Yesterday we went out to Venice Beach to have lunch with our former neighbors. They have become very dear friends of ours and they love the girls (and Ian too, even though he was very little when we moved). There is so much joy filling the place when we are all together that it's a little overwhelming!

Anyway, when we arrived at our old stomping grounds, specifically our old place we realized that it was gone! Our former landlady tore the old house down to build anew. When we saw this, McKenna's demeanor totally changed. She became withdrawn, silent, and introverted -- completely the opposite of how she typically acts/behaves. At first I didn't understand, but then I knew...

Every early memory she has with her dad was in that house. It signified her memories of him. Now the house has been torn down, much like her daddy's life -- gone.

It did not affect Av the same way. She seemed almost indifferent to it, like the change would be good.

God continues to show me how different they are...