Saturday, July 24, 2010

sad day... for other reasons

i find myself at the end of this day sadder than i have been for quite some time, but for reasons other than Brian's passing. today i have come to realize that 3 dear families are moving far away [1=Seattle; 1=St. Louis; 1=Philadelphia] and this saddens me. i guess all this time i just took for granted that they'd be there and i could visit whenever i wanted, even on a whim. well, sadly, this will no longer be the case and shockingly, the whim rarely came. i have been too caught up in my own life's circumstances to make an effort. but then again, maybe they have been caught up in their own circumstances to do the same.

another sad thing today is that 2 very dear families to me are walking a treacherous path. divorce seems extremely possible for both and this saddens me greatly. the men in these families are making poor choices and frankly, if a married man leaves his wife to be with another woman, the other woman should say, "hell, no!" to any of that because he has shown himself to be unfaithful in the first and most important place... in marriage! [jesse james and sandra bullock are coming to mind about now].

so my heart is heavy and i am feeling a bit verklempt as i write this.

SOAPBOX [if you don't wanna hear it, don't read it]:
gentlemen: step up and take responsibility. if you have the Holy Spirit within you, then call upon his name and ask for some help! you can only change yourself and you need to be the best man you can be for the sake of your family. get into the Word, stand strong, get accountability and make positive changes in your life for the betterment of yourself. and you know what? you will see changes in your wife! your kids! your friends! and they will be good changes.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself

Ephesians 5:25-33a

ladies: unfortunately, it does take two to tango. if you are blaming your husband for all wrongdoing... stop. take a look at yourself first. we all contribute something, even if it's sarcasm, bitterness, bad attitude or indifference. it sucks and it's hard but it's the only way YOU can make a positive change, too. we like pointing fingers and blame, blame, blame [it's been that way with women from the beginning -- read Genesis 3! nothing but "the blame game" going on.] ladies, you too need to get into the Word, get on your knees [daily!], get accountability and make positive changes in your life for the betterment of yourself. and you know what? you too will see changes in your family! and i think you will like what you see.

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything....the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 5:22-24, 33b

the American family must be preserved and the Enemy is aiming for the men, the women not far behind. since Brian's passing this has come to the forefront of my mind as i watched Brian's struggle and now watch the struggles of other men against many vices. i was a woman of control, sarcasm, indifference at times, blame and bitterness. God showed me a higher road. i made choices, many of which were difficult, but i had to stop blaming. and honestly, Brian became stronger in many moments because of those choices to take care of my own sickness instead of his. we must all turn from our vices and embrace the virtues, especially in marriage, such a delicate balance: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

and only with God's help can we do it.

Friday, July 2, 2010

RT 2010 - grieving

I lie here awake unable to sleep. I am thinking about Brian and the times we spent here in Weed, CA, together. Such strong incredible good memories here in this place. I am so blessed to be here, to retrace steps and to also feel so close to God here in the surroundings of trees, streams rushing and big bold blue skies overhead with the occasional cloud or two dotting the sky.

My heart longs for Brian to be here with me, to talk about ministry and just be here to play with the kids. That's where their memories lie. The last time we were here with him there was 6 feet of snow on the ground and it was a massive playground and they played together, built snow houses and sledded and snowboarded to their hearts' content. I love listening to McK describe her time with him and the smile that comes over her face when she talks about it.

A toothbrush, a book he embraced and became passionate about, a coin, a message on a phone... all things left here by him. Almost 10 months ago and within reach, feeling like it was only days ago. He was the favorite... the one everyone loved, full of charisma, but yet so much hurt and pain. DID YOU EVEN KNOW? Tears being shed and a feeling of longing for him to come back to us so deep and intense.

Blessed beyond words... that's me here in this place.

I need to sleep and rest now. I feel myself in the arms of Christ. Deep rest and peace.