Wednesday, March 28, 2012


...made perfect

a friend and mentor of Brian's wrote a post back in 2010 and retweeted it today.

my comment was this:

reading this again, neil, brings tears to my eyes. i miss Brian so much... still.

though the lives of these men may have been far from perfect, Jesus' love is what perfects. i am learning this more and more, wrestling with it and coming to understand it. and like a ripple in a pond that is the aftereffect of a stone thrown into it, so are the far reaching effects of these men who were perfectly placed in time & then removed according to God's plan. i see it every day.

and their choice & ours to follow Christ assures us of the hope we have to see them again... Amen!

yes, Brian's life was imperfect. we are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God [Romans 3:23-24]... that's why we need Jesus! and just because we chose to follow him doesn't mean that we are suddenly perfect and "safe" from sin; from doing that which we do not want to do [Romans 7:14-20].

i am so thankful that Christ's perfection with his death on the cross and resurrection from the grave has given us hope and life eternal...

and see those stars around his head?

perfectly imperfect... but still shining.

and i am too.

we all are.

we just need to be who we are where we are for this moment in time & embrace it. Brian did.

we will never know when or how God is using us for His glory or when that time will cease. Brian didn't.

we need only be faithful & obedient moment by moment.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

spaghettini bolognese...

...a fancy way to say spaghetti with meat sauce.

Brian was always such a great cook. i actually considered him more of a chef. an artisan in the kitchen. he had a way of taking whatever was in the kitchen and making something truly gourmet.

that was one of the greatest losses for me... someone who would make every meal with ease. not much thought, just sheer creativity. he was amazing.

even when he was alive, i would hate it when he was working a shoot at night because he wasn't there to make dinner. crap. then i had to think about it. my usual default was mac n cheese. if i was thinking ahead [by, like, 2 hours], i would make chicken enchiladas in the crockpot. that was always a hit with the kids. still is.

well, now i am making spaghettini bolognese and my timer is going off for the noodles. even though it is a simpleton meal, i wish he were here to share it with us.

bon appetit!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

God has been pointing out my disobedience.

continued stories at church, from people around me - even my own 4yo son - about the Israelites traveling in the desert, wandering for 40 years because of their disobedience & complaining. the "promised land" -- whatever that is for me -- is so close, if i would only obey.

even last night in my Bible reading before bed, God brought to mind Psalm 51. this was one of Brian's favorite psalms. i read it, and reread it, paying attention to every word. it speaks of having a contrite spirit and restoration of spirit and promise; reconciliation must be made & obedience must take place.

i have prayed for time to myself this week & God has graciously been able to give it me through various means. but what have i done? frittered away the time because of FEAR.

last night, i dreamt that i went to Indo to visit dear friends. while i was there, i looked across the room and saw the largest, most vile & scary cobra-like snake slither into the room i was in. it disappeared into the darkness & hid. i have never been so afraid... i was paralyzed.

and this is me now. the task before me is this scary snake & all i can do is be frozen and paralyzed by the fear it evokes within me.

that's it... REVELATION... Christ needs to slay the dragon of FEAR [and i need to let him by calling on HIM] so that i can proceed & find that "promised land"...

chances are, if i let Christ into the dark places -- turn the light on in the room where the snake is -- the great FEAR will merely resemble a timid lizard.

oh my.

now i must do it!

Friday, March 2, 2012

it feels like my emotions are flatlining.

i sense i am on the verge of taking a huge leap, toes hanging off the edge of a cliff that bottoms out thousands of feet below.

as a measure of safety and self-preservation, i have subconsciously turned off the feelings.

i am afraid.

afraid of feeling the intensity of the storm that is inside me.

this is the calm before.

i am ready to step out of the boat on to the calm sea toward the Father...

if I keep my eyes on Him, I will not sink. the cavern below has a safety bridge read to take me across safely if i will only trust.

i step in faith....