Tuesday, August 21, 2012

ghosts & replacements

I'm sitting at the paint store staring in the window and there's my husband. Looks, build, mannerisms -- everything is the same. I feel like I'm seeing a ghost. I'm feeling a little heart sick at the moment. I can't even believe it.
No. It's not the same. His spirit isn't there. all the things that truly made Brian Brian -- thought processes, spiritual connections, laughter, sense of humor, stories -- gone like a wind blown through. No one will ever take his place and be him....ever.
this morning I had a dream and someone asked me in it, "how's the grieving process?" then I woke up. I was bummed. I wanted to finish the dream. I wanted to unpack that question to see what I would say.
what shall I say? life is moving on. it just does. I can't stop it. There are reminders of him everywhere, especially in those kids. The looks, the mannerisms, the quirky habits. he does live on. I grieve him everyday because I miss my best friend. his friends miss him. special occasions and fun vacations hold a void because he's not there filling the space that only he can. life is not the same without him. it's just different.
Will someone come in to my life and be a companion to me and a role model father for my kids? I hope so, God willing, in time. But Brian himself was a one and only...irreplacable.