Tuesday, October 26, 2010
friends-- there's been so much on my mind that i have been overwhelmed with the absolute need to write... kind of like donald o'connor and gene kelly in "singin' in the rain" -- GOTTA DANCE! only for me it's writing.
i'm tired tonight so i'm off to bed, but i hope to post a few entries this week.
Monday, October 11, 2010
tonight i was perusing facebook and decided to bob around the "in my sleep" page. i clicked on the link to the website and came across a pre-production video. and guess what... Brian was on it. i know i shouldn't be surprised. but heck, i never even knew it was there. there he was, doing what he did well... talking sets, color palette, effects. seeing this just intensified what i've been feeling all week.
you see, the devil got me going by enticing me, i guess one would say, to look back and think about what could have or should have been different in those last months of Brian's life. well, that just tripped me down memory lane with hopes of altering what already has been. this was the first of a series of events that put me in a funk. dreams, personality, relationship and strengths tests (these caused me to see just how well suited we were in certain areas -- we loved the same things, had the same interests -- whereas before i thought we weren't). thank God i had to work so that I had to get out of my own head.
whatever. i can't change the past. i can't bring him back. i need to grieve him, as i will likely continue to do throughout the coming months and years, and appreciate what i had while i had it. cherish the memories of the good times (of which there were so many) and heed the bad.
it's funny (i think i have said this before) -- just when i think i'm done grieving or at least i think i'm not as sad, a new wave comes and knocks me down.... i think i should know this by now. it has happened time and again over the last year. it's only been little over a year! it seems like an eternity and just yesterday all in the same breath or moment.
God, i need a dream. a good one. a conversation with the one i loved so much. reveal to me again the good he is experiencing with you in heaven. i need the reminder. thank you, o Lord. you are good for you know what we need and you give it freely. Amen
Sunday, October 10, 2010
1. The best way to get even is to forget...
2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.
3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...
4. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth...
Friday, October 1, 2010
robin took me to a tea at a tea house in meridian. [a funny aside -- the last time we went to tea, it was at the british emporium in upland and there, i lost my original wedding ring! i was devastated, but to make things worse, i didn't even notice until the next morning when i was getting ready for work! phht]
afterward, we had our toes done at a local salon... boy, did i feel pampered. no kids! woohoo!
when we got back to her place, the kids had decorated the kitchen with birthday decor and they were all fancy for tea, too!
shortly after, steph came over and took me for coffee at rembrandt's, a cool little coffeehouse that is inside of a renovated church.
when we were finished, we headed back to robin's for dinner -- falafel with balsamic salad and hummus... so yum!
the cake for dessert was carrot... really cute with sunflowers and bees.
it was a great birthday filled with love.
thanks, girls! i love you both so much!
shortly after that, Brian called me and said he'd be joining us at the Fair after all. you see, it was my birthday [9/25] and he had initially promised to go with us and then work came up and he couldn't. i was sad and disappointed, to be sure, but then with a surprise call, he was able to keep his promise. i can still see him coming towards me, looking handsome and charming with that amazing smile of his, hugging and kissing me. almost immediately afterward, he thrust a small envelope into my hand. it was a gift card to a very nice local day spa. [i still haven't used the gift certificate]. after a short time with just me & the kids, he called up this friend and we ended up spending the rest of our time there with him and his girlfriend.
today all the memories and good thoughts from that day swept over me. that was a good day.... a really good day. one that was truly a gift and one i will always remember with fondness.