Sunday, February 28, 2010


i am heading out to pick up the girls from their first camp experience. but this camp isn't like normal camps. it's for kids who have lost a parent or sibling to death. thus far, i have been so impressed by this organization.... unbelievable what they do for kids in this situation. check it out for yourself:

phenomenal. i am so excited to see the girls and hear about their experience. i better hit the road now and go get them!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Good morning, Sunshine

Dear Brian,

These last few mornings, I have been waking up dreaming about you.

On Valentine's Day, I felt the weight of my blankets and believed it was you hugging me and cuddling up as you used to do on sleepy Sunday mornings. In fact, it was you in the form of the blanket made for me containing swatches of your shirts in the shape of hearts.

This morning, I woke up at 5:30 but chose to return to dreamland with hopes of seeing you and when the alarm went off, I hit the snooze button continuously so I could visit with you and not wake up from my faint dream of you.

Now the kids have awakened me and will soon be waking the entire house as they sound like wild animals running through the place.

So, good morning, Sunshine... I miss you.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Bees on the beach

the girls and i have often wondered why there are bees washed up the beach. i found this web article and it makes sense:

and even more symbolic: those bees on the boat were "going home"!

Valentine's Day

The cry of my heart today is, "Jesus, heal the broken places in my heart."

For the last 16 years, Brian and I have spent Valentine's Day together. This year is clearly different because he is not here. My heart is broken; there are things left undone. Moments I wish I could take back, things I said that I wish I hadn't. If I may be frank, I wish I had made love to him more passionately and been an initiator more often, following my heart when it prompted me.

There are broken places in my heart... I need my Jesus to heal them.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Valentine's Day fun

we headed on over to our friends' place and decorated cookies in honor of Valentine's Day. the girls had a great time. i loved watching them be creative and have fun with their friend.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The birthday...

...did not go as expected. we had all the wonderful foods that Brian loved so well and would always eat to celebrate his birthday: alaskan king crab, shrimp, salad, garlic bread, asparagus, and the yummy yellow cake with chocolate frosting. but other than that, there was nothing representative of him. the girls and i tried to talk about him but no one else would. such a sad disappointment. his first birthday without him here and...

...nothing. my heart breaks.

but i celebrated with him in my mind and with our kids and his mom just by being together. hopefully the next 6 months of "firsts" that come along won't be as painful as this was...

Monday, February 8, 2010


today has been a new day, filled with ups, downs, personalities, challenges. but i am hopeful. not just hopeful though -- hope-filled. i feel a joy abounding in me when i talk about Brian being in heaven and that I will join him there someday. sometimes, i wish it could be now, i miss him so much and want to call him on the phone or tell him in person what's happening. but i know that God may not have it that way for me, for us. His plans are his plans, different from my own.

but i have hope. hope for an eternal future with the one i loved [and still love] -- he was my first earthly love. but now, on this earth, i must put my trust in Jesus that he will take the place of my earthly husband and the place of my children's earthly father. and i feel his presence daily, holding me up to take another step, to experience life alone, to teach my kids how to play baseball [which i did today].

i was talking with Brian's dad and he worries about the kids. what the exact worries are, i don't know. but i am not worried about them lacking a father, though i wish it did not have to be so. i trust that our Father in heaven will be with them every step of the way. God will provide somehow. really, he already has been.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but, in all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path." -- Proverbs 3:5-6

this is why I am hope-filled. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will be cared for, that my children will continue to be homeschooled [as long as God leads me to do so], and all will be right somehow. i was reminded of the worship song that says, "You're my glory; You're the lifter of my head." yes, my head is lifted; God is my crowning Glory. I have hope in God's promises of heaven and eternity with Him. it gives me strength; it helps me go on, even though some days are REALLY difficult.

tomorrow is Brian's birthday... if you are reading this, would you please pray that we would acknowledge and/or celebrate this day in the right way? it is the day that God decided Brian should grace the earth with his presence, affecting so many lives for God's kingdom after he met Jesus. it will be the first of his birthdays that we will be without him. i am soliciting your prayers...

Psalm 27:1
The Lord is my light and my salvation—
why should I be afraid?
The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
why should I tremble?

Saturday, February 6, 2010

The elephant is in the room...

...and only a few will acknowledge it. Is it because no one wants to cry? People are trying to be sensitive to me? I wonder if there is a hope in others that they too will see Brian again in heaven someday or is their silence due to a lack of it? I am really perplexed by it.

Well, the elephant is going to be smackdab in the middle of the table on Tuesday because the girls want to throw a birthday party for their daddy. They want to make his favorite meal and favorite cake, say a prayer and tell some stories. I wonder how it will be? I think I'll put them in charge [yup, this is what I have decided].

Overall, though, other than that darn elephant, our trip east has been a pleasant one. We spent the first 4 days in Nashville, staying with dear friends of ours whom I met when Brian and I met. We did everything together in the early years and had fun. La Bufadora in Mexico, Superbowl parties, date nights, birthdays, just hanging out. It was like home being with them, and sharing memories of Brian together was comforting. I wish we could have some of those times back, but time marches on...

Our time in Atlanta has been sweet (and cold! Not over 38*F), as Brian's mom and I drove to Atlanta from Nashville together. We have reminisced and shed tears, wishing he were here. But with others it seems the elephant sits, large, heavy and ignored... but not for much longer. Other than that it has been a great time for the kids to spend time with their aunt, uncle and cousins, Papa and G-ma too. Ian has been a blast and the girls are exploring with their older cousin and tumbling, spinning, singing and pretending with their younger. Really fun to see them play.

we've even been having fun with the dogs and their lab Savannah has taken a likiing to me because I'll take her in the backyard and throw the ball for her. She's not as much fun as Lucy [whom i miss terribly!] but fun nonetheless :)