imperfection...

...made perfect

a friend and mentor of Brian's wrote a post back in 2010 and retweeted it today.

my comment was this:

reading this again, neil, brings tears to my eyes. i miss Brian so much... still.

though the lives of these men may have been far from perfect, Jesus' love is what perfects. i am learning this more and more, wrestling with it and coming to understand it. and like a ripple in a pond that is the aftereffect of a stone thrown into it, so are the far reaching effects of these men who were perfectly placed in time & then removed according to God's plan. i see it every day.

and their choice & ours to follow Christ assures us of the hope we have to see them again... Amen!

yes, Brian's life was imperfect. we are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God [Romans 3:23-24]... that's why we need Jesus! and just because we chose to follow him doesn't mean that we are suddenly perfect and "safe" from sin; from doing that which we do not want to do [Romans 7:14-20].

i am so thankful that Christ's perfection with his death on the cross and resurrection from the grave has given us hope and life eternal...

and see those stars around his head?

perfectly imperfect... but still shining.

and i am too.

we all are.

we just need to be who we are where we are for this moment in time & embrace it. Brian did.

we will never know when or how God is using us for His glory or when that time will cease. Brian didn't.

we need only be faithful & obedient moment by moment.

spaghettini bolognese...

...a fancy way to say spaghetti with meat sauce.

Brian was always such a great cook. i actually considered him more of a chef. an artisan in the kitchen. he had a way of taking whatever was in the kitchen and making something truly gourmet.

that was one of the greatest losses for me... someone who would make every meal with ease. not much thought, just sheer creativity. he was amazing.

even when he was alive, i would hate it when he was working a shoot at night because he wasn't there to make dinner. crap. then i had to think about it. my usual default was mac n cheese. if i was thinking ahead [by, like, 2 hours], i would make chicken enchiladas in the crockpot. that was always a hit with the kids. still is.

well, now i am making spaghettini bolognese and my timer is going off for the noodles. even though it is a simpleton meal, i wish he were here to share it with us.

bon appetit!

God has been pointing out my disobedience.

continued stories at church, from people around me - even my own 4yo son - about the Israelites traveling in the desert, wandering for 40 years because of their disobedience & complaining. the "promised land" -- whatever that is for me -- is so close, if i would only obey.

even last night in my Bible reading before bed, God brought to mind Psalm 51. this was one of Brian's favorite psalms. i read it, and reread it, paying attention to every word. it speaks of having a contrite spirit and restoration of spirit and promise; reconciliation must be made & obedience must take place.

i have prayed for time to myself this week & God has graciously been able to give it me through various means. but what have i done? frittered away the time because of FEAR.

last night, i dreamt that i went to Indo to visit dear friends. while i was there, i looked across the room and saw the largest, most vile & scary cobra-like snake slither into the room i was in. it disappeared into the darkness & hid. i have never been so afraid... i was paralyzed.

and this is me now. the task before me is this scary snake & all i can do is be frozen and paralyzed by the fear it evokes within me.

that's it... REVELATION... Christ needs to slay the dragon of FEAR [and i need to let him by calling on HIM] so that i can proceed & find that "promised land"...

chances are, if i let Christ into the dark places -- turn the light on in the room where the snake is -- the great FEAR will merely resemble a timid lizard.

oh my.

now i must do it!

it feels like my emotions are flatlining.

i sense i am on the verge of taking a huge leap, toes hanging off the edge of a cliff that bottoms out thousands of feet below.

as a measure of safety and self-preservation, i have subconsciously turned off the feelings.

i am afraid.

afraid of feeling the intensity of the storm that is inside me.

this is the calm before.

i am ready to step out of the boat on to the calm sea toward the Father...

if I keep my eyes on Him, I will not sink. the cavern below has a safety bridge read to take me across safely if i will only trust.

i step in faith....

wealth of another kind

i am rich. i have 3 amazing children; many good friends, old and new; family who love and care for me; and a lifetime of memories to unfold and be made through modes of communication and experience.

monday night, the kids and i had dinner with some dear friends. [to find out more about them, go here.] my former colleague and her husband hosted us with good food and great conversation. then, she asked me if i had read "one thousand gifts" by ann voskamp.

i hadn't, so she promptly put it in my hands and then proceeded to say "take it; read it; it's... amazing."

she was right. i tearfully read through the first 5 pages totally relating to the words she was writing. i think this book will be a recommendation to all. and i pray that the good Lord will help me to write with such beauty and fluidity.

you can also visit ann voskamp's blog here.

celebrating a life

today would have been Brian's 43rd birthday. he was born on the 40th day of the year and died at age 40.

we celebrated him today by visiting a fun pizza joint that wasn't the one with the little rat -- the last place the kids and i had fun with him and saw him smile. that place is too painful. it's time for something new... different.

i wanted to keep my kids close today. hug them a little more and help fill their love banks full. going to this place helped to do that because it was not dissimilar to that other joint. remember... don't completely replay. we went there with good friends, ones who had great spiritual influence on him in those literal last days. Avery was able to be with a friend who would listen. what a gift.

McKenna played a few games where one can win some tickets. she won... boy, did she win! she hit the fisherman's jackpot with 1,000 tickets!

while there, i got a phone call from his dad. while watching a fishing show on tv, he noticed a rock jetty with a US flag... the breakwater at MdR -- the final resting place of the one we remembered today

what an incredible blessing for him being across the country & able only to "visit" Brian in his mind.

Ian talked matter-of-factly about his daddy being in heaven... his grampy, too; his bright blue eyes flashing the whole time he spoke along with that precious smile.

we also ran into Dennis and his daughters celebrating February birthdays as well. he officiated Brian's memorial service. this man & his family have blessed us beyond measure. this, too, was a gift.

what an intense day of memory. what an incredible way to celebrate.

my love, we miss you. we remember you. we love you.

i can hear you laugh...

Moved to tears by beauty

The girls &i witnessed the most beautiful opera piece performed this evening. Never have I been moved to tears by such a thing....

Heidi