tonight i was perusing facebook and decided to bob around the "in my sleep" page. i clicked on the link to the website and came across a pre-production video. and guess what... Brian was on it. i know i shouldn't be surprised. but heck, i never even knew it was there. there he was, doing what he did well... talking sets, color palette, effects. seeing this just intensified what i've been feeling all week.
you see, the devil got me going by enticing me, i guess one would say, to look back and think about what could have or should have been different in those last months of Brian's life. well, that just tripped me down memory lane with hopes of altering what already has been. this was the first of a series of events that put me in a funk. dreams, personality, relationship and strengths tests (these caused me to see just how well suited we were in certain areas -- we loved the same things, had the same interests -- whereas before i thought we weren't). thank God i had to work so that I had to get out of my own head.
whatever. i can't change the past. i can't bring him back. i need to grieve him, as i will likely continue to do throughout the coming months and years, and appreciate what i had while i had it. cherish the memories of the good times (of which there were so many) and heed the bad.
it's funny (i think i have said this before) -- just when i think i'm done grieving or at least i think i'm not as sad, a new wave comes and knocks me down.... i think i should know this by now. it has happened time and again over the last year. it's only been little over a year! it seems like an eternity and just yesterday all in the same breath or moment.
God, i need a dream. a good one. a conversation with the one i loved so much. reveal to me again the good he is experiencing with you in heaven. i need the reminder. thank you, o Lord. you are good for you know what we need and you give it freely. Amen
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