The promise

The last week I have been feeling the intense effects of loneliness, so desiring a partner for this life and a father for my children. The 4th of July was difficult because it was one of B's favorite holidays -- he loved to blow stuff up! -- and I have so many good memories with him & our children on this day. But the past is no more. I must look ahead. But what do I see? No clear vision here...

After the 4th, I took Ian with me to the grocery store. While there, he started talking about Daddy and birthdays and events. At that moment I looked up & saw the very words you see in the photo here -- GodShall. I. Couldn't. Stop. Staring. My eyes were completely fixated on this obscure label on a random package of bacon staring me in the face.

At my exact eye level, there was no denying that this was a message from my Daddy in heaven, Abba Father God.

And this verse came clearly, as on a loudspeaker, in my mind and heart: "and my GodShall meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus our Lord." (edit intentional)

Yes! Yes, Lord! Yes! At the very moment I needed you, when my frustration was culminating from comment and question, you provided the answer. And it was immediate. No delay.

Though my heart longs, He knows my desires and knows what I need (& want!) on a most intimate level. When the time is right, it will happen.

I am thankful for a heavenly Father who loves me enough to even speak to me via bacon (which on my swype keypad makes the shape of a heart....) God is love.

life lesson learned

i pulled out of my driveway and said, "ok, Lord. so what do you have for me today? what are you going to do?" i probably should have asked this sooner than 4pm but, i confess, i was in my own zone.

delivered the girls to the local pool for swim team training. decided to let Ian play for a few on the playground. walking by the covered picnic area sprinkled with people singularly inhabiting each table in complete disconnect, one voice stands out in the silence.

"life is about living simply. life is about living simply!"

a homeless gentleman expressing himself on his own speaker's corner of nowhere, he speaks. hmmm. from across the park i see a woman and her daughter traversing over grass and wood chips in my direction.

friends!

i think to myself, this must be what you have for me today.

ironically the message of "living simply" and these friends struck me. instead of rushing around running errands and selfishly dragging my son around from place to place, i needed to take time for my relationships. and i did.

last night i was reading a devotional by Ann Voskamp and she said, "the value of your life -- is the value of your relationships. with God and men."

if i get back to basics -- spending time with God and spending time with those who matter -- that is what God had for me today.

i am learning by doing.

summer's first day

yup. that's it. today is the first day of summer. school's out. pools filled. fun has begun. so let's do this, shall we?


95 days until the first day of fall... [which also happens to be McK's birthday].


today i want to focus on my "car revelation." driving in the MV with the kiddoes, hair being blown by the a/c because it's way too hot out at the farm to have the windows down. the radio dj comes on over the airwaves and starts talking about his experience over the weekend. 10yo girl comes to live with he and his wife for one week out of nowhere -- completely God-ordained -- when grandma flies in from Alaska to take the girl home with her. grandma is a widow and has been praying intensely for this granddaughter of hers, realizing upon seeing this man and his wife and the peace that resides on her granddaughter's face that her prayers were answered -- cared for and loved by believing Christians until things could be worked out rather that a system, just as she prayed.


this radio dj repeats over and over -- God hears the widow's prayer. the widow prayed and God answered her prayer. God hears the widow. 


quietly within my heart, a floodgate opens and my prayers -- even those not known conscously -- gush forth. i quickly close the gate. enough. i have revealed enough. maybe too much. drip. drop.


tonight, a phone message. oh, the irony. this floodwater of prayer and then this message. 


now what comes forth?


laughter. the absolute joy bubbling up from within and spilling out into the room, together with an infectious smile that sparkles and causes light to dance on that which is overflowing. i cannot stop. even now, laughter sits on my lips like a child eagerly waiting to dive in.


this is how i feel at this moment.


isn't our God so good?


yes. yes, He is.

grief revisited

yesterday, baby Shannon went to be with Jesus. baby Shannon was the daughter of my dear friends who live in the country of Georgia located near Turkey & Azerbaijan. after 13 weeks of fighting for life in the womb and nine days fighting an infection, they released her into the arms of Jesus.

my girls and i prayed and prayed for that little girl, journeying with our friends through prayer, believing that God would deliver this little one safely into the world and bring her into fullness of life. that was not the case. needless to say, this news saddened my kids and i very much.

when i found out the news that Shannon was in the arms of Jesus, i was ironically watching one of our ewes at the farm giving birth to a sweet little lamb. black with 2 little white spots on his nose -- we call him "starry night".... "night" for short. LIFE coming into the farmyard. then watching this little guy try to walk on spindly legs, even rolling over a couple of times because he could barely stand. [this remind me of "hold my heart" by 10th Avenue North]

this news has rocked me. i am walking around in a fog. i can't remember things or keep my thoughts together in one place -- they run all over. i am exhausted. basically, i feel like i did two and a half years ago. the only way i can explain it is that because of Brian's passing, when death occurs around me -- especially to someone so close & whom i love so much -- the feelings come rushing back and my response is intensified. obviously death happens around us all the time, but when it isn't happening within our close circle of relationships, the effect is lessened. yes, it is sad and a part of life but it's different than when it's happening so close to you.

my response is different. i am so grieved by this child's death. my head is spinning.

my children are questioning... why would there be such certainty & specifics given by God to her parents about her only to let her slip away to become a beautiful star in the heavens? why does God let babies die? these are a few of the many questions that swirl. to them, God took her away to heaven. he took their Daddy, too. baby Shannon's death is taking all of us back to those places we thought we had walked away from or grown out of. evidently not...there are things we all need to revisit and deal with in our own way.

if you have taken the time to read this, would you please pray for my friends -- the parents of baby Shannon -- as well as me & my children? we are all on a grief journey... some at the beginning & others a little further along. please pray for traveling mercies.

Welcome to the jungle....

These ladies are amazing! We are wading through the forest of blogs and new social media options.... Oi!

power in pain

It’s the painful testings that hold the possibility of powerful testimony — and every trial is but steps in your triumphant march. --Ann Voskamp

as i was reading this daily gift that comes in to my inbox every morning, i was struck between the eyes and in my heart by the above sentence.

painful testing

yes. there have been painful testings. how will i love? will i enable? will i keep my secret or will i share? will i hate God for what I have been through, blaming him for my inner suffering when many of the answers of comfort i was looking for were in front of me the entire time? will i blame myself for what has happened?

BLAME. this word haunts. it has been evident since the Fall in Genesis. it is a consistent thread woven through the history of humanity. there's always a reason, right? always someone or something to blame for the choices we make.

there's a reason that blame rhymes with shame.... blame brings it about.

SHAME. this word is a heavy burden. so many people carry it. Brian carried it. i carry it. i carry it for him a lot of the time. shame is what hinders the testimony from being powerful. the shame hinders the testimony from being heard. sigh.

powerful testimony

the possibilities of powerful testimony are there but shame can get in the way. it is a triumphant march for the greater purpose of a great God who loves me and who will receive all the glory in the evidence of him in my life.

lay down the shame that piggybacks on blame. give up the pain in exchange for the power of The One who heals and makes new. hold your head high and march triumphantly in the victory that God has already claimed.

this song comes to mind...

A Good Friday

yesterday was exhausting but a "Good" Friday. i had 2 tours to lead at the farm and i don't think i have ever been so exhausted after a tour. Brian's brother and his family came to the farm and hung out with my kids. so good for my little ones to be with family, especially Brian's. it helps them keep and maintain that connection to where they come from.

after the tours, we headed out for lunch and then to Brian's mom's place [Bro & family came along too]. her husband has been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that has spread to his lymph nodes. he uses oxygen when necessary and often finds himself having to take it easy for fear he overexert himself and become out of breath. we talked about what is going on now physically with him, intermittently chatting, laughing and reminiscing amidst the moments of serious talk.

at the end of the evening, before my kids and i left, i felt compelled to pray over these two people whom i have come to care for and love very much. i have never felt so bold or comfortably empowered as i did in those moments last night. the Holy Spirit touched hearts. i so want for these two to know and love Jesus... that they might be greeted in heaven by one that has gone before. and so that they might have Hope.

I pray, Father God, for HOPE & healing to reign down in a mighty way upon this family! heal their hearts and speak to them in the quiet moments when all must seem so overwhelming. may they trust you and experience the peace that surpasses all understanding. reveal yourself, O God, in this Easter season! may they know it's true meaning and purpose as the old has gone and the NEW has come triumphantly, Lord. In you, we have hope. In you, we find peace. Make it real to them, Holy Spirit. Make it real to all people... Amen.

we missed out on our monthly evening gathering with some friends from church, but this was better... a "Good" Friday, indeed.