Saturday, May 5, 2012

grief revisited

yesterday, baby Shannon went to be with Jesus. baby Shannon was the daughter of my dear friends who live in the country of Georgia located near Turkey & Azerbaijan. after 13 weeks of fighting for life in the womb and nine days fighting an infection, they released her into the arms of Jesus.

my girls and i prayed and prayed for that little girl, journeying with our friends through prayer, believing that God would deliver this little one safely into the world and bring her into fullness of life. that was not the case. needless to say, this news saddened my kids and i very much.

when i found out the news that Shannon was in the arms of Jesus, i was ironically watching one of our ewes at the farm giving birth to a sweet little lamb. black with 2 little white spots on his nose -- we call him "starry night".... "night" for short. LIFE coming into the farmyard. then watching this little guy try to walk on spindly legs, even rolling over a couple of times because he could barely stand. [this remind me of "hold my heart" by 10th Avenue North]

this news has rocked me. i am walking around in a fog. i can't remember things or keep my thoughts together in one place -- they run all over. i am exhausted. basically, i feel like i did two and a half years ago. the only way i can explain it is that because of Brian's passing, when death occurs around me -- especially to someone so close & whom i love so much -- the feelings come rushing back and my response is intensified. obviously death happens around us all the time, but when it isn't happening within our close circle of relationships, the effect is lessened. yes, it is sad and a part of life but it's different than when it's happening so close to you.

my response is different. i am so grieved by this child's death. my head is spinning.

my children are questioning... why would there be such certainty & specifics given by God to her parents about her only to let her slip away to become a beautiful star in the heavens? why does God let babies die? these are a few of the many questions that swirl. to them, God took her away to heaven. he took their Daddy, too. baby Shannon's death is taking all of us back to those places we thought we had walked away from or grown out of. evidently not...there are things we all need to revisit and deal with in our own way.

if you have taken the time to read this, would you please pray for my friends -- the parents of baby Shannon -- as well as me & my children? we are all on a grief journey... some at the beginning & others a little further along. please pray for traveling mercies.

6 comments:

  1. Heidi,

    I am praying for you and for Ryan and his wife. I know that it is not nearly on the same scale as the difficulties which I am sure you have had to endure the past couple of years+, but with the recent sudden death of my cousin Eric, I realize more fully that there are no guarantees in this life. We will all come to our end here, but we will journey on together with Jesus.

    "...obviously death happens around us all the time, but when it isn't happening within our close circle of relationships, the effect is lessened. yes, it is sad and a part of life but it's different than when it's happening so close to you." This is so true. Life can be bittersweet at times. My heart really goes out to you and Ryan.

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  2. Heidi, you and your children are so often in my thoughts, and I wanted you to know that. I had prayed for that little baby, and was sad to hear she had passed. I look at my children and my beautiful grand daughter Zella, and am so filled with love and appreciation for them. Maybe that is what loss does - makes us stay in tune with what is valuble and never forget it. Our time here is so ephemeral, all we can do is love them all in the moment, no matter the situation. Prayers for you dear friend. Love, Lia

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    1. The only thing my confused mind can think to bring you comfort is, I will pray and pray! For your family and for baby Shannons. I love you!

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  3. Heidi, I will pray for you and your girls, and baby Shannon's parents.... Death seems so unfair, and so confusing to us. When my brother died, I thought for sure that God was going to heal him, and then he was gone so quick, my head was spinning, and I walked around in a confused daze for a while.... One thing that Ryan told me that brought me some comfort and helped me to make some sense out of what happened was this "God must know a whole lot more than we do about death" sounds simple, but it brought me comfort. Praying for you, love you my friend!

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  4. Just wanted to add, I went back and looked over your past facebook ( I have not been too involved there as of late) posts about baby Shannon, and just realized this was Ryan Smith and his wife... My heart is so saddened for them, I remember the days of Icthus and Ryan was a very dear friend...

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  5. Thank you, friends. Your words mean more than I can express. Please continue to pray for these dear friends as they continue to heal... and they will. Grief evolves and takes different shapes through time. Just today, my grief came for my children missing their Daddy and not being able to share special moments with him. So I take every moment and love. I choose it. And God does know more -- much more -- than we do about death and loss. He experiences it every minute of every day....

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