literary root and the fruit of questioning...?

PROUD of my broken heart since thou didst break it,
Proud of the pain I did not feel till thee,
Proud of my night since thou with moons dost slake it,
Not to partake thy passion, my humility.

-- Emily Dickinson

my heart bursts with passion for my husband, what he loved. i long for others to find community, to find healing, to love and live fully. i wonder if he truly fulfilled his mission? can i adequately carry on his legacy? why have i experienced the things that i have?

what will i do to create an income for me and my kids so that i don't have to work for the establishment or place my kids in to it? with whom will i connect who have similar passions and desires? how will effect change for the better of the world around me? there are things i am certain of that God has directed our family toward, but now what?

my mind is so full of questions today, things i wish i would have done differently, and things i might make better for the future. phew. too much. but i did this before Life After. now there's just more... and different.

giving thanks

yesterday was thanksgiving and we spent it with friends paul and kieva along with brian's brother david and his wife and girls too.we ate and ate and ate. so much good food and good friends to share it with.

paul and kieva created a small centerpiece in honor of brian's memory that was really special. brian was a ceramisist and made many beautiful pieces. he gave two very special pieces -- a chip/dip bowl and a small plate -- the our friends. the chip dip bowl housed homemeade cranberry sauce and grapes. the small plate was dressed with a large votive candle surrounded by a pewter symbol of community, dried chiles, bean and sunflower seeds.

he was missed. he always made his turkey special for our thanksgiving day. he loved to cook. he loved good food. he shared his love through food. oh, how i wish he could have been with us, laughing and sharing stories. but i know his spirit was there -- the food, the laughter, the community -- and he was surely giving thanks to our great God for his goodness and mercy.

i am exhausted. words are not coming easy for me. words cannot adequately express how i feel for my love. we will be seeing people this weekend that were dear to his heart and are dear to mine. i need my rest... i'll be back after the weekend is over.

good night!

the world doesn't stop

the last couple of days, we all have been sick. kind of a good thing because it has forced us to stay home and rest. we have been on the go [even though all of us were fighting sickness] and have felt rushed around and not stopped to just be. with all of the rushing, there have been moments that i have written about here where i have been reminded of Brian in some way in the midst of it all.

then, here are the last two days, full of rest and serenity. i have studied his picture, heard a few certain songs that he liked or that reminded me of him, seen a bee or two [there was one on the floor at the APU theatre the other day -- i'll have to tell Av], or any number of things and have not shed a tear. then today -- well, forget it! all bets are off because i was a faucet nearly all afternoon and evening. a house, a turkey, a toothbrush -- bring on the memories; bring on the tears.

it's funny that i am writing about this because i get together with friends or talk with people and some wonder how i am even functioning and wonder why i am not crying all the time. a new friend even asked me why i let the girls be in the play. "well," i told her, "life goes on. on the inside - in my heart - it feels like life for me has stopped in some way - but the world just keeps on going. as they say, 'the show must go on.' the world doesn't stop for me even though i want it to."

sometimes i wish it would stop and 'look' at me, my family, and pause for a moment but it doesn't. kind of like that song/musical, "stop the world... i wanna get off." but the world - people - are in perpetual motion. everything keeps going. it doesn't stop. it's the natural order of things.

when i am not shedding tears, especially when i go a day or two, there's not a guilt but a sorrow i feel when the tears aren't coming. like a friend whom one talks to everyday that just doesn't make contact. like Brian is slipping away from me somehow. like i am forgetting. in fact, when i have dreams about him, i ask him to stay or beg him not to go when i am on the verge of awakening. i want to talk just a few minutes longer or see him a few moments more. i have even told the kids in my sleep not to bother me because i am talking to Daddy. but i digress.

there's comfort in tears, oddly enough, but pain too. they often come out of the blue when i least expect them, but as strange as it may seem, i welcome them.

things are different that one might expect in a Life After.

ian

my little bundle of joy running around...

"mommy! mommy! mommy!" ian calls as he comes running to me from the other room, so excited to see me home from my day with the girls at the renaissance festival. he stayed home with my folks napping while we went out.

"me. me." he takes my hand and leads me out to where his hot wheels cars are on the ground. he lays down on his tummy.

"hi." he begins a conversation with me via his cars.

such a joy to come home to this precious little man who reminds me so much of his daddy [his looks and his spirit]. just tonight while sitting across from him at a restaurant, i was overwhelmed by the precious gift that God gave to us and Brian has left me to care for... or maybe i should say that Brian left him to care for me. he notices when i cry sometimes and says, "mommy cry," while looking for something with which to wipe my tears, a then flashes me that incredible winning smile with twinkling blue eyes. he didn't notice tonight, and for that i was a little grateful.

he has been the calm in a raging storm inside my heart since he was born, a symbol of God's goodness and greatness in the midst of life. he is a tender little boy who loves me, his sisters, his grandparents, friends and Daddy so much. he talks about these beautiful people in his life all the time. he is carrying his Daddy's legacy of love for others.

thank you, God, for blessing our family and those around us with this precious boy. i pray, sweet Jesus, that you will protect him and use him to serve you and your kingdom all the days of his life. help me to raise him in a way that is glorifying to you and a blessing to others. give me guidance and wisdom and help me to teach him that You are his heavenly Daddy who will never leave nor forsake. amen.

balance

got the edited copies of the memorial service we had for Brian... tears

spent time and had lunch with dear friends in long beach... joy

unexpectedly revisited photos of a very special time with dear friends before Brian's passing... tears

saw my kids laugh and play with friends... joy

missing the sound of his voice... tears

knowing that Brian is with Jesus and that others may know Jesus because of the love Brian showed to them... priceless.

frustration

i get frustrated with people when they dismiss something i say or "dash a dream against the rocks", so to speak, telling me how i or the kids will feel or what we will do, especially when they don't even know us! none of us have fit into the proverbial mold that has surfaced during this process. [note: there is no mold!]

last night i was talking to a woman at a group i take the kids to and she demolished my spirit -- at least it felt that way. i didn't realized how frustrated i was until this morning. i wish that people like that just wouldn't say anything at all and let me come upon realizations like that on my own, if they even become real. chances are it might not even happen as she said. she was just snapping me back into a reality -- her reality? -- before it was necessary, giving me timelines for feelings, etc.

i am being totally vague because i'd rather not remember the whole thing... but let's just say i'm frustrated and really would like to forget about that part of the conversation. it was great until the very end... ugh.

Grief...

...good grief!

LOL

I used to call Brian my 'charlie brown'.... he had that attitude sometimes. Miss him...