peek-a-boo

i tucked my feelings away without realizing it and they peeked out today while listening to a CD in the car. i don't like it when they sneek up on me like that. i like to be prepared. the girls didn't notice, but i could hardly see the road as my eyes welled up with tears.

last week, we went camping at el capitan. a beautiful beachside campground on the bluffs. i was sitting down on the sand, watching the kids play, especially ian. he's an artist like his daddy, you know. i looked out to the water and began to think of brian. i heard his laugh. sounds crazy, i know. but i audibly heard his laugh. signature. beautiful. that one snuck up on me too.

will i ever stop missing him?

the sunshine behind the clouds

i was talking with a friend tonight. she shared with me that she lost a daughter in infancy. that moment changed her life forever. she said it was the worst thing that ever happened to her, but yet the best thing that ever happened to her. that event helped her define her life -- either she needed to lay down and die or she needed to step up and live. obviously, she chose to step up and live... live her best life. take no moment for granted. live the life she had always wanted.

how similar a life i am living. the further away i get from 09/09/09, the stronger i feel i am becoming, especially in the realization that this is my life now. the kids and me. i hope that someday i can say that Brian's death was the worst thing that happened to me and the best thing that happened to me. as for the best, i have no idea what that could possibly be. i just know i want to serve Jesus with every ounce of my being and pray that one day i can hopefully see how that event may have been the best thing. i pray that God will show me the sunshine behind the clouds...

friends of blessing

so ian and i went to get the girls from our friends today. we spent the evening at disneyland with them, hanging out, riding rides and just enjoying being together. what a fabulous time with a fantastic family. i love those nicholsons!

last night i was recounting with my mom how i met them and realize that God really had his hand upon us to meet. their presence in my life [and Brian's] has been a complete blessing.

thank you, Jesus, for watching over me and allowing me to see and know divine appointments.

what a day. i'm pooped. heading off to bed now.

word of the day

SPONTANEITY (a very good thing!)

mck had a dental appt on the westside and our dear friends were down from fresno. they headed out with us to marina del rey and we spent the day with our friends having lunch, riding scooters, talking, playing, and having a most wonderful time.

while at burton chace park [a place that is filled with memories for our family with Brian, also the harbor there his burial place], ian found such pleasure in running up and down the hill. oh, how i love that little boy! he kept asking, "mommy, can i do it again?" over and over, up and down. and wouldn't you know, a bee was 'playing' right in front of me, hiding in the grass as he was running. Brian is with us. he is watching. i wish he were physically here and that ian would know him, but i guess ian will know his daddy through me and the rest of the family, the stories we tell.

so how was i spontaneous? i let my girls go with our fresno friends to sleep over in their hotel room and then off to disneyland tomorrow. what a blessing my friend and this sleepover has been. i needed the break and didn't even know it. God is so good... he knows exactly what i need and when!

ian's new nickname...?

the other day i got an seemingly urgent call from Brian's dad as he had already called me twice that morning. i was in the middle of doing a tour so could not answer. when i finally did talk to him, i expected there to be some sort of grave emergency. persistence in telephoning usually is the sign of an emergency.

well, there was no emergency, just the fact that he wanted to tell me that ian's first and middle names were now the new names of 2 hurricanes in the 6 year cycle of hurricane naming.

in 2016 one will here ian replacing igor and tobias replacing tomas. read about it here:

http://www.abcactionnews.com/dpp/news/state/Hurricane-names-Igor,-Tomas-retired

i found this to be so funny and ironic!

this is really quite a kick. my dad woud be tickled and brian would be proud...

maybe ian's new nickname should be "hurricane"....?

comfort

Psalm 55:17

Evening and morning and at noon
I utter my complaint and moan,
and he hears my voice.

God hears me!

18 months...

Brian,
you would be coming home about now.
to me.
to us.
my thoughts are jumbled and confused.
been inside my head all day.
all.
day.
i miss you.
i have dreamt about you more in the last week that i have in months.
been surrounded by friends of ours this week.
feels good to remember you with others that knew you.
God is with us, and i know you are watching over us too.
i love the comfort but i miss your arms.
and your smile.

God,
reveal yourself to me daily.
i am looking and watching for you.
today i noticed that the mountains smile.
give me comfort and peace as i trust in you.

tell Brian i miss him.
hug him for me.

amen...