The 3 main reasons I carry on...

Today marks the anniversary of my widowhood...

  

...and it seems like my life now is a long hallway. 

i am alone.

but there is that open door. 

do you see it? 

i am not there yet and am not ready to be but i will walk through it... in due time.

i just need to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

School's in

As part of our school day, the girls are working through these....by their suggestion. Surely God is fashioning them into young women at His feet on a path to healing.

So grateful....

"Never look back unless you are going that way..." --Thoreau

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"But sometimes when you look back, just at the top of the hill, before it all slips behind, a memory, that’s when you see how the trees blazed and how you were all living right under the whole, spreading sky, right there under heaven, and you never wholly knew it until right then, till you try to wave your hand goodbye." --av

i can look back and reminisce but i can never go back and relive. i now must face forward and walk. learn from my history, appreciate it and go on.

this Sunday marks 3 years. 

3. years.

i can hardly fathom it. in some ways it seems like forever ago. in others, but a moment. my God has filled in the spaces.

we are all sensitive with the time. irritability itches. anger flares. tears well up. 

we all know what's coming.

what makes it harder is the loss we suffered just 2 weeks ago. B's mom's husband. G-pa went to be with Jesus.... really. he accepted Christ literally moments before he turned into sleep before cancer wrote the check and cashed it in. the angels lifted him to heaven.

and guess who was there to greet him.

B.

now we mourn the loss of two dear to my children at such a tender time.

my sweet B -- 

if only we could embrace once more. 

feel the moisture of our lips touching tenderly one more time. 

your arms around me, tears spilling upon each of us as a baptism of deep love. 

to wave goodbye.

i am under heaven but you are in it.

i love you....

H's

ghosts & replacements

I'm sitting at the paint store staring in the window and there's my husband. Looks, build, mannerisms -- everything is the same. I feel like I'm seeing a ghost. I'm feeling a little heart sick at the moment. I can't even believe it.
No. It's not the same. His spirit isn't there. all the things that truly made Brian Brian -- thought processes, spiritual connections, laughter, sense of humor, stories -- gone like a wind blown through. No one will ever take his place and be him....ever.
this morning I had a dream and someone asked me in it, "how's the grieving process?" then I woke up. I was bummed. I wanted to finish the dream. I wanted to unpack that question to see what I would say.
what shall I say? life is moving on. it just does. I can't stop it. There are reminders of him everywhere, especially in those kids. The looks, the mannerisms, the quirky habits. he does live on. I grieve him everyday because I miss my best friend. his friends miss him. special occasions and fun vacations hold a void because he's not there filling the space that only he can. life is not the same without him. it's just different.
Will someone come in to my life and be a companion to me and a role model father for my kids? I hope so, God willing, in time. But Brian himself was a one and only...irreplacable.

The promise

The last week I have been feeling the intense effects of loneliness, so desiring a partner for this life and a father for my children. The 4th of July was difficult because it was one of B's favorite holidays -- he loved to blow stuff up! -- and I have so many good memories with him & our children on this day. But the past is no more. I must look ahead. But what do I see? No clear vision here...

After the 4th, I took Ian with me to the grocery store. While there, he started talking about Daddy and birthdays and events. At that moment I looked up & saw the very words you see in the photo here -- GodShall. I. Couldn't. Stop. Staring. My eyes were completely fixated on this obscure label on a random package of bacon staring me in the face.

At my exact eye level, there was no denying that this was a message from my Daddy in heaven, Abba Father God.

And this verse came clearly, as on a loudspeaker, in my mind and heart: "and my GodShall meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus our Lord." (edit intentional)

Yes! Yes, Lord! Yes! At the very moment I needed you, when my frustration was culminating from comment and question, you provided the answer. And it was immediate. No delay.

Though my heart longs, He knows my desires and knows what I need (& want!) on a most intimate level. When the time is right, it will happen.

I am thankful for a heavenly Father who loves me enough to even speak to me via bacon (which on my swype keypad makes the shape of a heart....) God is love.

life lesson learned

i pulled out of my driveway and said, "ok, Lord. so what do you have for me today? what are you going to do?" i probably should have asked this sooner than 4pm but, i confess, i was in my own zone.

delivered the girls to the local pool for swim team training. decided to let Ian play for a few on the playground. walking by the covered picnic area sprinkled with people singularly inhabiting each table in complete disconnect, one voice stands out in the silence.

"life is about living simply. life is about living simply!"

a homeless gentleman expressing himself on his own speaker's corner of nowhere, he speaks. hmmm. from across the park i see a woman and her daughter traversing over grass and wood chips in my direction.

friends!

i think to myself, this must be what you have for me today.

ironically the message of "living simply" and these friends struck me. instead of rushing around running errands and selfishly dragging my son around from place to place, i needed to take time for my relationships. and i did.

last night i was reading a devotional by Ann Voskamp and she said, "the value of your life -- is the value of your relationships. with God and men."

if i get back to basics -- spending time with God and spending time with those who matter -- that is what God had for me today.

i am learning by doing.