wealth of another kind

i am rich. i have 3 amazing children; many good friends, old and new; family who love and care for me; and a lifetime of memories to unfold and be made through modes of communication and experience.

monday night, the kids and i had dinner with some dear friends. [to find out more about them, go here.] my former colleague and her husband hosted us with good food and great conversation. then, she asked me if i had read "one thousand gifts" by ann voskamp.

i hadn't, so she promptly put it in my hands and then proceeded to say "take it; read it; it's... amazing."

she was right. i tearfully read through the first 5 pages totally relating to the words she was writing. i think this book will be a recommendation to all. and i pray that the good Lord will help me to write with such beauty and fluidity.

you can also visit ann voskamp's blog here.

celebrating a life

today would have been Brian's 43rd birthday. he was born on the 40th day of the year and died at age 40.

we celebrated him today by visiting a fun pizza joint that wasn't the one with the little rat -- the last place the kids and i had fun with him and saw him smile. that place is too painful. it's time for something new... different.

i wanted to keep my kids close today. hug them a little more and help fill their love banks full. going to this place helped to do that because it was not dissimilar to that other joint. remember... don't completely replay. we went there with good friends, ones who had great spiritual influence on him in those literal last days. Avery was able to be with a friend who would listen. what a gift.

McKenna played a few games where one can win some tickets. she won... boy, did she win! she hit the fisherman's jackpot with 1,000 tickets!

while there, i got a phone call from his dad. while watching a fishing show on tv, he noticed a rock jetty with a US flag... the breakwater at MdR -- the final resting place of the one we remembered today

what an incredible blessing for him being across the country & able only to "visit" Brian in his mind.

Ian talked matter-of-factly about his daddy being in heaven... his grampy, too; his bright blue eyes flashing the whole time he spoke along with that precious smile.

we also ran into Dennis and his daughters celebrating February birthdays as well. he officiated Brian's memorial service. this man & his family have blessed us beyond measure. this, too, was a gift.

what an intense day of memory. what an incredible way to celebrate.

my love, we miss you. we remember you. we love you.

i can hear you laugh...

Moved to tears by beauty

The girls &i witnessed the most beautiful opera piece performed this evening. Never have I been moved to tears by such a thing....

Heidi

Well, February has arrived. Made it through the holidays fairly unscathed. A few moments of complete breakdown due to sadness & some sad realizations, but overall it was a good season. January has seemed to fly by but not before stopping us in our tracks with illness.

All of us have been sick now for over a week & it's miserable. But it's becoming obvious to me that God wanted us to slow down, regroup, focus on Him & each other while living more intentionally in this life for the sake of the Kingdom. Without being able to go go go, I am having to slow slow slow.

I read Isaiah 40 & Psalm 16 today in my time with Jesus. I am encouraged!

Peace~

deconstruction

here it is after 1am here on the west coast and i can't sleep. this happened to me last night too but i was no where near a computer and blogging on a smart phone can be difficult... substitutions for words you meant to say can come out crazy. [smart phones are often times not too smart] and this late at night, it's easier to proofread on a computer.

yesterday and today i went to storage unit #1 -- my dear friends' garage that they let me keep stuff in. primarily i went to see my friends because life has caused us both to get caught up in extreme busyness and our lives run in different circles. we had lunch, we conversed and shared about our lives and all the happenings. i had decided prior to going there that it is my goal to move out a majority of my things to storage unit #2 where my furniture and appliances are being stored.

the bottom line: i have too much stuff.

in these two storage units are held the entirety of my worldly goods frozen in time from 2 years ago September. a dear friend of mine organized 10 or so persons i knew to come over and pack my house up and move it into storage after Brian died. it happened so fast. everyone showed up at 9am and by 9pm, the house was empty and cleaned, ready to hand back over to the landlords [who were more than difficult to deal with]. without the help of those friends, it would have been a horribly daunting task for me to deal with alone.

so now yesterday and today i have gone back to this garage that holds the boxes and boxes of my life before. i have opened a few and it is as if time has stood still. in an effort to get it all done, these helpful friends just 'put it in a box'. papers. coffee pot with grounds and filter still in the brew basket. toddler's snack container with crackers still in the bottom. kids' clothes two sizes small than they wear right now.

time = frozen = tidal wave of sadness and the overwhelming dread of what lies before me: deconstruction -- the task of tearing down what was with no hope of gaining it back or having my own space in which to rebuild. grieving again more than just the loss of him, but the loss of us, our life, what was and what will never be again. sigh...

the stacks of boxes are taken down one at a time, the tape torn off and the contents picked through. part of me thinks = who would ever want any of this? the other part thinks = man, i wish i could have this time back.



2 years.

814 days to be exact.

19,536 hours.

1,172,160 minutes.

given time and it's value, i understand why people walk away and don't look back. looking back is painful. it's sad. it causes tears and heartache and the reopening of wounds once hoped to be forgotten.

and the amazing part of this journey is that Brian could care less. he is free from cares, fears and worldly goods. he is completely free and made new with the Father. he has been set free... for eternity.

so with this deconstruction, i am hoping to find a bit of that freedom for myself. to not be afraid of what lies ahead, but to unpack, remember and carry on. and begin building a life on earth that remembers [& helps my children remember] and has a hope for our future in heaven together.

a hardened heart

it has been two years and one month [today] since brian died. his dad is here visiting us and has been for the past 2 months. for years prior to brian's death, he and i prayed and prayed for his father to come to know Christ as his Savior. now that brian is gone, i fear his father's heart is harder than ever. i am so saddened by this because i know that God intends his best for each of us and it is so difficult to watch someone choose otherwise. have you ever experienced this? unfortunately, he believes if he does choose Christ, he will die very soon after.

i have decided to pray more and keep my mouth silent. we have had few conversations this trip about brian's death and the circumstances. we will never know all until we stand at heaven's gates. and i will not be able to change the mind of a man who has been hurt so many times by others and is so set in his ways. God's gonna have to do the work.... plain and simple.

will you pray with me for the salvation of this man and that he would turn his heart toward Christ? the power of prayer is strong as is the power of Christ.

may God soften the heart of this man... Amen!

opportunities

i had dinner tonight with friends and e was talking about a story of the world co-op. sounds so cool. i asked her if she would ask her friends if i could join. the meeting time is perfect and will work out with my work schedule at the farm.... yay! let's see now if her co-op friends say it's okay.

i like this idea because they kids do projects together. i like the idea of projects but not actually doing them because my current living situation does not afford me the space in which to do projects. so this excites me. and as a bonus -- it's God-centered! woohoo!

i am excited about many opportunities like this for this year. let's see how God leads!