rearrange & simplify

today was a crazy hectic day... spent almost the entire of it rearranging the girls bedroom. i decided to sell the girls bunkbed, which Brian and i had bought together and i had dismantled and they had been sleeping in as singles, and buy new minimal frames from Ikea. those were some bulky beds, let me tell you and now the girls are streamlining. what a difference. the old bed frames were big and bulky, not offering a sense of space [physical or mental] when looked upon, so now there is simplicity.

i am sensing a theme because it was so sad for me to part ways with these beds -- so silly, but that's how i felt. every time a piece of our life together walks out the door in some form or fashion, whether it be given to friends, sold or trashed, it's sad. like the memories of that life are slipping away. i know that people say that memories aren't the items themselves -- heck, i say that all the time -- but it's still difficult.

i think about several family friends like the joneses whom i wrote about in the previous post, or the arrands who are so completely streamlined. no 'weighty' items to hold them down or away from what's important. the most important things they are often able to carry with them.

boy, i have a lot to think about and it's becoming overwhelming right now.

i think i need to sleep on it.

friends

have you ever had a friend or group of friends that you didn't see often, but when you did see them, it was like you had never been apart? i have a few friends like this.

this week we spent some time with some old friends of Brian and mine who are exactly like this... time had not stood still -- children were added to the mix in both families and Brian has since passed away -- but it was safe and familiar to be with them.

a brief history: i'm not sure how Brian met Andrew, but i remember B talking about A after a ministry conference in Austin, TX; he and his family came to visit us when we were doing ministry and living in pomona; when we travelled to europe when i was 5 months pregnant with our first child, we stayed with them in Huntley, Scotland, in George MacDonald's childhood home; four years later, Andrew made a one night stop in LA and he stayed at our home in Venice. now, six years later, we hang out here at TribeLA and in Pasadena at the US Center for World Missions.

so i connected with the Jones family briefly at TribeLA... let me tell you, it was like walking through a time warp into Icthus 13 years ago... check it out:

then at USCWM -- dinner Tuesday night and a day out with the girls Wednesday. here are some photos from our time together:

hanging out in Pasadena, i saw this photo opp of beauty and had to take it...



we had the honor of accompanying the Joneses to take a tour of Whitestone Media where they are producing "Theo"!



my 3 with the Joneses and the Datema kids before the Joneses departure to the airport.



The Joneses as they say goodbye to the US and hello to NZ!




as a side note, i will be able to blog more often as i have been gifted with a laptop and boy, does it make getting on the computer so much easier!

only because HE is able--
heidi

storytelling

i am currently reading this book called the right to write by julie cameron. in the book she gives writing initiations to the reader to help them oversome their hesitancy to write. last night, i read the initiation and it was to pretend that you are sitting against a large old tree. on the opposite side of the tree is a Storyteller. i was to tell the storyteller 5 stories i would like to hear.





i was thinking about this and was having a hard time thinking about the stories i would like to hear. and then it hit me. Brian is the storyteller in my mind. he always told such amazing stories. a sampling: from his childhood -- when his brother decided to 'fly' off of the ladder in the backyard while he and his younger brother held the ladder. or from his crazy days -- when he defied his mother and she flippantly threw her wooden spoon at him and it hit him square in the forehead. from his dating a former girlfriend that wasn't too smart -- telling her about God's amazing ways of creating cows with longer legs on one side so they could stand on the hillside and not tip over. from his early ministry days -- the mentally disturbed guy in a Bible study he was leading at the time showing up in his mom's bathrobe and slippers.

after this point in his life, some of these stories become mine too. moments together or funny crazy circumstances. times when God brought us to our knees and others where we felt we could do it on our own and failing miserably. times with acquaintances or friends [like sitting in our friends' trailer in the middle of the night showing off our 'toe talent!']. even times toward the end of Brian's life when things became a struggle.

But now, he is the one telling the stories through me. my turn.

my uncle shared a quote from a friend of his: "when someone dies, it's like a library burning down. those one of a kind stories and works that were once housed there are now lost forever."

it's scary to say, but if anything happened to me even the secondhand telling of those stories would be lost for my children.

i think i am becoming more and more convinced that i need to write these things down. it's hard. no one could tell a story like Brian did. he just had a way... and that's part of what drew people to him.

if you are reading this and have a story or memory about Brian [and/or me!] that you would like to share, please do it. my kids and i would be grateful.

he was one of a kind.

Lost and found... Kind of

in trying to put away christmas decor, mom decided to clean up the attic a bit. 2 boxes from when I lived here before marrying Brian were unearthed & I opened them up. well, first thing I saw was a copy of brian's and my registry from our wedding. The next thing I found were photos from way back... like when we first met. but then I found these sweet photos from our nephew Michael's 1st birthday party. somehow, brian had a balloon attached to his pants and he walked around the party that way for most of the afternoon. I had totally forgotten about that til finding those photos. But one photo in particular caught my attention. it was him alone and his smile -- God, his smile! -- was completely charming and disarming. I look at that photo and I just can't believe the way life has ended up to be in it's present state.

he
is
gone

I have walked around today in a state of disbelief... again. it's been almost 16 months and I still can't believe it. is this how it will continue to be? is it just a quiet acceptance and that's it? oh how I want to scream and cry and rage! a friend bluntly stated over the holiday that it just isn't right that he's not here. How I agree! and don't I see that every day? every time ian wants to play or av needs some artistic help on a project she's working on? Or mck wants to be tickled and roughhouse? or when I just need to talk to my best friend about my insecurities in parenting or life or what God is asking me to do or whatever?

Unfair? Yes.

God's plan? Yes.

how quickly the Evil One can slip in and fill my mind with doubt and anger! Every thought captive prevents this. I will give my disbelief and anger to The One who can bring me comfort and help me to function daily without my true life partner. My kids too.

These things I pray.
Amen.

a thought on widowhood

I was in church today looking around at the women around me thinking about being a widow. there are lots of different types of widows. Some lose their husbands to death, some to divorce and others to a hobby, job or disbelief. I was overwhelmed by our similarities.

I am not discounting death -- by no means am i. i just see a lot of women and men around me experiencing loneliness and struggle of their own sort.

Dear God, please comfort those that are experiencing a widowhood of a different sort. you know what they need. Amen.

sigh...

a friend of mine said the other day that it's not right that Brian's not here.

she's right. it's not.

i have been saddened this holiday more times than i can count about how it's just not right. he's missing out on watching his son play trains and his girls twirling in their new skirts. they are missing out on storytimes with him.... just ask them about Eunice the Unicorn. her story needs another chapter.

unfortunately, his story on earth ended.

but, you know, God knows why.

hopefully, someday, i'll know fully why, too.

sigh.

what a day...

today was the annual boutique and luncheon at our church. i was asked to be a vendor, so i took the plunge and did it. what did i have to vend? well, i'll tell you. first off, i made a few quilts like the ones i made for my kids and k last year. to accompany the quilts, i shared this story:

The Story of My Father’s Heart Quilts

In September 2009, my husband Brian passed away. Being the mother of three young children, I wanted to give my children something that would be a physical symbol and memory of their daddy. I asked a friend if she would help me make a quilt out of my husband’s clothes, even though I had never even touched a sewing machine before. She said this was a bit ambitious to do by Christmas, but assured me that we could surely fashion something for the kids by way of a quilt. I made four of these quilts last Christmas -- one for each child and then one for a friend who helped me immensely after Brian’s death. On each child’s quilt, I cut out a heart from 3 different shirts of Brian’s – one for each of them. My brother’s girlfriend digitized my husband’s handwriting and embroidered a special message on the back of the panel containing the heart. And thus My Father’s Heart Quilts was born.

I love making these quilts and do so with care and creativity, making sure that each is unique, just as God made each of us unique. Each one is a Big Hug and the heart is a symbol of God’s love for us as the Ultimate Daddy.

well, dear friends, what an incredible day. my friend, M, absolutely fell in love with one of these quilts.i cannot tell you how much joy and fullness i feel in my heart at this moment. why? i am absolutely thrilled that she loved the quilt so much, as i believe God had me make it with love just for her. it was one i knew would go to someone very special and deserving; i can see that it 'fit' her perfectly.

the thought just came to mind that i should tell about it's creation [God's prompting perhaps?]. every time i would go to the store or online and see a fabric i liked i would buy some. my mentor told me that this was a good practice if i was going to do this, as often times good fabrics don't stick around. anyway, as i was planning to come to today's boutique, i wanted to make a quilt out of material i already had -- not to buy more. so i dug around in my stash, as they say, and pieced together that work of art. i guess it's how God made us and/or community -- lots of different pieces that are out of place on their own, but a thing of beauty when put together :)

oh, how i look forward to hearing her stories from the telling of mine and the new stories that will unfold for her just from having it :)

the other thing i was there to vend was Scentsy. yup, that's right, i decided to become a Scentsy consultant... i tend to be very sensory, so along with touch [my quilts], i enjoy smells very much. a smell for me can bring back a memory so quick... it's amazing. in fact, i am recalling my post office experience when i smelled Brian's cologne on someone else and i immediately started to cry. deep breath in -- release. aaahhh. the tears don't flow so easily now as they first did, but sometimes...

anyway, i am proud of myself for taking the plunge and doing that boutique today. scary considering what God may want me to do... um, no. he wants me to do it. there's no maybe in that equation. but you'll just have to find out in my next post..

hey -- will someone out there keep me accountable to writing more often that i have been? oh, how i need to do it. thanks!