in trying to put away christmas decor, mom decided to clean up the attic a bit. 2 boxes from when I lived here before marrying Brian were unearthed & I opened them up. well, first thing I saw was a copy of brian's and my registry from our wedding. The next thing I found were photos from way back... like when we first met. but then I found these sweet photos from our nephew Michael's 1st birthday party. somehow, brian had a balloon attached to his pants and he walked around the party that way for most of the afternoon. I had totally forgotten about that til finding those photos. But one photo in particular caught my attention. it was him alone and his smile -- God, his smile! -- was completely charming and disarming. I look at that photo and I just can't believe the way life has ended up to be in it's present state.
he
is
gone
I have walked around today in a state of disbelief... again. it's been almost 16 months and I still can't believe it. is this how it will continue to be? is it just a quiet acceptance and that's it? oh how I want to scream and cry and rage! a friend bluntly stated over the holiday that it just isn't right that he's not here. How I agree! and don't I see that every day? every time ian wants to play or av needs some artistic help on a project she's working on? Or mck wants to be tickled and roughhouse? or when I just need to talk to my best friend about my insecurities in parenting or life or what God is asking me to do or whatever?
Unfair? Yes.
God's plan? Yes.
how quickly the Evil One can slip in and fill my mind with doubt and anger! Every thought captive prevents this. I will give my disbelief and anger to The One who can bring me comfort and help me to function daily without my true life partner. My kids too.
These things I pray.
Amen.
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