storage

went to the storage unit today. "stuff management" is difficult. our "stuff" is in three different places and i have to try to get all the stored stuff in these three areas together into the storage unit.

when it was time to move out of our rental house after Brian passed away, my dear friend Kieva stepped up and was so amazing. i am telling you, she was my brain! she organized a group of Brian's and my friends to come over and pack up our things and move everything in to storage. this happened over a period of about 8 hours on the saturday after my birthday. wow.

i wasn't there to help because my aunt had passed away the day before [my birthday] and i offered to pick up my cousin from the airport and drive her out to be with her dad and brothers. i still am so thankful that i wasn't there and things worked out the way they did because i think it would have crippled me emotionally to where i could not have done a thing and would have been of no help to anyone.

but now comes the time where i must face it all. "stuff management." the big things, like furniture, are not a big deal. it will be the boxes of things that will be overwhelming. i need to begin by selling some of the furniture in storage so as to make room for the other items in boxes that i plan to keep.

i think i need to stop writing now because i becoming overwhelmed and it may cause insomnia.

finding neverland

reminded right now of one of my favorite movies... beautiful writing, beautiful design. now it has so much more meaning to me. if you haven't seen it, you should.

Peter: It's just, I thought she'd always be here.
J.M. Barrie: So did I. But in fact, she is, because she's on every page of your imagination. You'll always have her there. Always.
Peter: But why did she have to die?
J.M. Barrie: I don't know, Peter. When I think of your mother, I will always remember how happy she looked, sitting there in the parlor watching a play about her family, about her boys that never grew up. She went to Neverland. And you can visit her any time you like if you just go there yourself.
Peter: How?
J.M. Barrie: By believing, Peter. Just believe.

the girls and i talked tonight about taking our family portrait. "will we take it at the beach?" "yes. do you know why?" "because daddy will be there. he'll be in the picture with us." "that's right."

imagination. belief. so essential in our Life After.

love all around

today we spent time with friends... katie and her daughter [one of av's best friends] met us for lunch in arcadia and then we went and played at jumpin' jammin'... a totally fun and wonderful time for everyone -- even us moms* :) . check out our cool video of a different kind of rain :)

afterward, we headed to a monthly sing-a-long with some dear folks -- the girls' adopted grandparents -- in claremont... they loved it! and so did the seniors! just lovin' on me and my girls. it made me smile. it made everyone feel good.

i hadn't seen any of these friends since Brian's memorial service, so of course there were memories, tears, hugs, laughter.... love. thank you for giving me and my kids an extra special day.

*to my out-of-town friends: next time you visit, we should go here!

song for me

my dear friend whom i met with on friday said, "Brian was so lucky to have you." this statement caused me to think about and remember some love letters/notes Brian wrote to me that i have saved. over the weekend, this song played on my iPod and it was so reflective of those writings that i had to post it here.

For Once In My Life - Michael Bublé

For Once In My Life
I've got someone who needs me
Someone I've needed so long
For once unafraid
I can go where life leads me
And somehow I know I'll be strong

For once I can touch
What my heart used to dream of
Long before I knew
Someone warm like you
Could make my dreams come true

For once in my life
I won't let sorrow hurt me
Not like it's hurt me before
For once I have someone
I know won't desert me
I'm not alone anymore

For once I can say
This is mine, you can't take it
Long as I know I've got love I can make it
For once in my life
I got someone who needs me

At least for once I can say
This is mine you can't take it
Long as I know I got love
I can make it

For once in my life I got someone
For once in my life I found someone
For once in my life I got someone
Who needs me

Zephaniah 3:17

¹⁷ The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

these words were the main words in a worship song at church today. Brian quoted these very words to me in an email he wrote to me awhile ago. how even more true these words are for all of us now as Brian sits in the presence of our Jesus and we, his family, are left behind.

such comfort in these words.
my God is with me/us.
he can save me/us from anything.
quieting me/us, comforting me/us, rejoicing over me/us, his child/ren.

beauty in a Life After death...
beauty in a Life After loss.

sad

i realized today that i let a message on my voicemail be deleted. it was the last VM i received from Brian. i was so sad and heartbroken... my mistake.

i can no longer just listen to his voice on my phone whenever i want. **sniff...deep sigh**

"hey, it's me. i wanted to talk to you........would you please call me? **sigh** i'm so sorry.... i love you."

sweet. beautiful.

my Brian.

gone.

he's just gone now, isn't he?

even more real...

but i can still hear him.

halloween - 31.october

remember the significance of bees? well, i was Z Queen B for halloween. complete with antennae, crown, wings, and stinger. here's a little photo of me i took on my phone...


so, evidently brian acquired this sweatshirt sometime in the last 2 weeks prior to his passing. it's a very bright yellow and black stripe. the girls and i ventured to walmart and they found this lapel pin:


so needless to say, the costume just came together. it was fun to dress up with my girls and in remembrance of Brian.

we went t or t-ing in Pomona -- in the old historic neighborhood where we used to live and where i grew up having every holiday because my aunt and uncle lived there. i was in the mood for a bit of nostalgia and being with good friends. though the crowds were much larger than i remember them [we're talking like 1,000 people roaming the streets and sidewalks of this great neighborhood, lines of people and kids 20 deep?] crazy.

but it was fun. brian's brother and his family joined us and it was great. the girls had so much fun and even Ian, by the end of the night, was saying "trick or treat" in his cute little 2yo way.

thanks, P&K, for hosting a great night and thank LP for welcoming me back with open arms.

side note and a bit of irony:

Brian worked on a TV pilot back in 2005: Queen B