sadness, anger and restoration

the kids and i went to the beach thursday to hang out with some friends for a birthday party. why don't we do that more often? i love the beach and feel close to you-know-who when i am there. in fact, a bee actually landed on me as i was thinking and contemplating the fact that i miss him so much. but truthfully, that afternoon [the setting, etc] kind of set me off on a sad spree. missing him and watching the other dads playing with their kids, talking with their wives -- envying the fact that they can do that so casually. i can't. i can't even hate someone. when it comes down to it....

i.

am.

alone.

i can't even put into words how desperately i want him back. i want to scream and let my heart and mind explode with the words that might possibly describe the feelings but i fear i cannot. like something you see with the naked eye that you try to capture on film but the picture just doesn't compare -- the words just don't do it justice. the tears streaming down my face are mere reflections of the feelings and a small river-let flowing from the ocean of emotion.

things may not have been perfect between us. we both had faults [some more glaringly apparent than others] but i loved him so deeply... and still do.

so this sadness culminated over the course of days all stemming from events and triggers from then til now -- spending time with my brother-in-love and his family yesterday, and another birthday party today where i was just hit with a wall of sadness and desperation. all this then erupted into a mad/frustrated/angry-as-hell spree tonight, my emotions running the gamut.

Brian told the girls the night before he died that if they misbehaved while he was gone, i would call him and the consequences would not be good. i can't do that now. he's gone for good.

forever.

the girls' behavior over the last few days has been taking me to the edge and i felt like tonight i looked over the edge down in to the deep emotional canyon below -- the place i could fall easily if i let myself: self-pity. the evil one is tempting me to check out, sleep, be depressed, flip out, do things on my own, let my circumstances get the better of me because i am in a seemingly hopeless situation and if i let my pride get in the way, i will sacrifice all that Brian and i fought for and what i have believed so strongly in all along the way.

well i stand firm and say, "NO." God is my protector and provider. he knows why i am here now in these circumstances and he will "lift me up on wings like eagles." emotions cannot be trusted. i must stand firm in the truth of God's love and his Word.

I, the LORD your God,
will make up for the losses
caused by those swarms
and swarms of locusts
I sent to attack you.

My people, you will eat
until you are satisfied.
Then you will praise me
for the wonderful things
I have done.

Never again will you
be put to shame.

Israel, you will know
that I stand at your side.
I am the LORD your God--
there are no other gods.

Never again will you
be put to shame.

Joel 2:25-27

God will restore what the locusts have eaten. Brian shared these verses with me prior to his death in light of his struggles. and i believe it is true. i am clinging to these words everyday as i watch my children grow and experience life. i can do nothing but. i pray for continued healing and restoration of my broken heart and the hearts of my children.

daily.