anger

Today I have been thinking about anger a lot. And I mean a lot. Last night I read a blog post by an acquaintance of mine who is so angry it just seethes out of her and then just oozes off the page to the reader. She lost her husband a year ago and her husband's killer gets out of prison this week.

As I reflect on anger in general, I wonder specifically if I have it. Am I angry because Brian went to heaven and left me here to be alone; to raise three kids by myself?

I have to say no, I am not angry.

Sad, yes.

Disappointed, yes.

Wondering, yes.

My circumstances are different than this acquaintance of mine, meaning the death. Brian left this world by suffocating, being found face down in his pillow. A few weeks prior, we had an amazing conversation about our past together and he apologized for things he had done that hurt me, intentional or not. He had never intended to hurt me but certain choices he made and actions he took did just that. And he apologized for those things -- specifically by name. There was nothing left undealt with between us.

The night before he died, I told him to keep his eyes on Jesus and he did... all the way home to heaven. There are things I won't know until I get to heaven, but right now I know what I need to know.

I know Brian loved me with everything he had.

I know he wanted to serve God and do what was right, even though it would have been difficult.

Tonight, the girls went to The Attic, the bereavement group for kids at our church. They did an activity where each person wrote on a plate all that they were angry about and then threw it on the ground to break it. Get that anger out! Turn it over to Jesus! I was asked if I wanted to take a plate and do it and I declined.

I am really not angry.

Everyone deals with loss and grief in their own way and EVERY person's experience is different. I hope that others anger will subside and that they will feel peace as I do.

Father God, help me to understand and be empathetic toward others who have experienced loss. Use me for your glory and let your light shine brightly through me.
Amen.