Hope

today has been a new day, filled with ups, downs, personalities, challenges. but i am hopeful. not just hopeful though -- hope-filled. i feel a joy abounding in me when i talk about Brian being in heaven and that I will join him there someday. sometimes, i wish it could be now, i miss him so much and want to call him on the phone or tell him in person what's happening. but i know that God may not have it that way for me, for us. His plans are his plans, different from my own.

but i have hope. hope for an eternal future with the one i loved [and still love] -- he was my first earthly love. but now, on this earth, i must put my trust in Jesus that he will take the place of my earthly husband and the place of my children's earthly father. and i feel his presence daily, holding me up to take another step, to experience life alone, to teach my kids how to play baseball [which i did today].

i was talking with Brian's dad and he worries about the kids. what the exact worries are, i don't know. but i am not worried about them lacking a father, though i wish it did not have to be so. i trust that our Father in heaven will be with them every step of the way. God will provide somehow. really, he already has been.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but, in all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your path." -- Proverbs 3:5-6

this is why I am hope-filled. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will be cared for, that my children will continue to be homeschooled [as long as God leads me to do so], and all will be right somehow. i was reminded of the worship song that says, "You're my glory; You're the lifter of my head." yes, my head is lifted; God is my crowning Glory. I have hope in God's promises of heaven and eternity with Him. it gives me strength; it helps me go on, even though some days are REALLY difficult.

tomorrow is Brian's birthday... if you are reading this, would you please pray that we would acknowledge and/or celebrate this day in the right way? it is the day that God decided Brian should grace the earth with his presence, affecting so many lives for God's kingdom after he met Jesus. it will be the first of his birthdays that we will be without him. i am soliciting your prayers...

Psalm 27:1
The Lord is my light and my salvation—
why should I be afraid?
The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
why should I tremble?