I'm sitting at the paint store staring in the window and there's my husband. Looks, build, mannerisms -- everything is the same. I feel like I'm seeing a ghost. I'm feeling a little heart sick at the moment. I can't even believe it.
No. It's not the same. His spirit isn't there. all the things that truly made Brian Brian -- thought processes, spiritual connections, laughter, sense of humor, stories -- gone like a wind blown through. No one will ever take his place and be him....ever.
this morning I had a dream and someone asked me in it, "how's the grieving process?" then I woke up. I was bummed. I wanted to finish the dream. I wanted to unpack that question to see what I would say.
what shall I say? life is moving on. it just does. I can't stop it. There are reminders of him everywhere, especially in those kids. The looks, the mannerisms, the quirky habits. he does live on. I grieve him everyday because I miss my best friend. his friends miss him. special occasions and fun vacations hold a void because he's not there filling the space that only he can. life is not the same without him. it's just different.
Will someone come in to my life and be a companion to me and a role model father for my kids? I hope so, God willing, in time. But Brian himself was a one and only...irreplacable.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
The promise
After the 4th, I took Ian with me to the grocery store. While there, he started talking about Daddy and birthdays and events. At that moment I looked up & saw the very words you see in the photo here -- GodShall. I. Couldn't. Stop. Staring. My eyes were completely fixated on this obscure label on a random package of bacon staring me in the face.
At my exact eye level, there was no denying that this was a message from my Daddy in heaven, Abba Father God.
And this verse came clearly, as on a loudspeaker, in my mind and heart: "and my GodShall meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus our Lord." (edit intentional)
Yes! Yes, Lord! Yes! At the very moment I needed you, when my frustration was culminating from comment and question, you provided the answer. And it was immediate. No delay.
Though my heart longs, He knows my desires and knows what I need (& want!) on a most intimate level. When the time is right, it will happen.
I am thankful for a heavenly Father who loves me enough to even speak to me via bacon (which on my swype keypad makes the shape of a heart....) God is love.
Friday, June 22, 2012
life lesson learned
i pulled out of my driveway and said, "ok, Lord. so what do you have for me today? what are you going to do?" i probably should have asked this sooner than 4pm but, i confess, i was in my own zone.
delivered the girls to the local pool for swim team training. decided to let Ian play for a few on the playground. walking by the covered picnic area sprinkled with people singularly inhabiting each table in complete disconnect, one voice stands out in the silence.
"life is about living simply. life is about living simply!"
a homeless gentleman expressing himself on his own speaker's corner of nowhere, he speaks. hmmm. from across the park i see a woman and her daughter traversing over grass and wood chips in my direction.
friends!
i think to myself, this must be what you have for me today.
ironically the message of "living simply" and these friends struck me. instead of rushing around running errands and selfishly dragging my son around from place to place, i needed to take time for my relationships. and i did.
last night i was reading a devotional by Ann Voskamp and she said, "the value of your life -- is the value of your relationships. with God and men."
if i get back to basics -- spending time with God and spending time with those who matter -- that is what God had for me today.
i am learning by doing.
delivered the girls to the local pool for swim team training. decided to let Ian play for a few on the playground. walking by the covered picnic area sprinkled with people singularly inhabiting each table in complete disconnect, one voice stands out in the silence.
"life is about living simply. life is about living simply!"
a homeless gentleman expressing himself on his own speaker's corner of nowhere, he speaks. hmmm. from across the park i see a woman and her daughter traversing over grass and wood chips in my direction.
friends!
i think to myself, this must be what you have for me today.
ironically the message of "living simply" and these friends struck me. instead of rushing around running errands and selfishly dragging my son around from place to place, i needed to take time for my relationships. and i did.
last night i was reading a devotional by Ann Voskamp and she said, "the value of your life -- is the value of your relationships. with God and men."
if i get back to basics -- spending time with God and spending time with those who matter -- that is what God had for me today.
i am learning by doing.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
summer's first day
yup. that's it. today is the first day of summer. school's out. pools filled. fun has begun. so let's do this, shall we?
95 days until the first day of fall... [which also happens to be McK's birthday].
today i want to focus on my "car revelation." driving in the MV with the kiddoes, hair being blown by the a/c because it's way too hot out at the farm to have the windows down. the radio dj comes on over the airwaves and starts talking about his experience over the weekend. 10yo girl comes to live with he and his wife for one week out of nowhere -- completely God-ordained -- when grandma flies in from Alaska to take the girl home with her. grandma is a widow and has been praying intensely for this granddaughter of hers, realizing upon seeing this man and his wife and the peace that resides on her granddaughter's face that her prayers were answered -- cared for and loved by believing Christians until things could be worked out rather that a system, just as she prayed.
this radio dj repeats over and over -- God hears the widow's prayer. the widow prayed and God answered her prayer. God hears the widow.
quietly within my heart, a floodgate opens and my prayers -- even those not known conscously -- gush forth. i quickly close the gate. enough. i have revealed enough. maybe too much. drip. drop.
tonight, a phone message. oh, the irony. this floodwater of prayer and then this message.
now what comes forth?
laughter. the absolute joy bubbling up from within and spilling out into the room, together with an infectious smile that sparkles and causes light to dance on that which is overflowing. i cannot stop. even now, laughter sits on my lips like a child eagerly waiting to dive in.
this is how i feel at this moment.
isn't our God so good?
yes. yes, He is.
95 days until the first day of fall... [which also happens to be McK's birthday].
today i want to focus on my "car revelation." driving in the MV with the kiddoes, hair being blown by the a/c because it's way too hot out at the farm to have the windows down. the radio dj comes on over the airwaves and starts talking about his experience over the weekend. 10yo girl comes to live with he and his wife for one week out of nowhere -- completely God-ordained -- when grandma flies in from Alaska to take the girl home with her. grandma is a widow and has been praying intensely for this granddaughter of hers, realizing upon seeing this man and his wife and the peace that resides on her granddaughter's face that her prayers were answered -- cared for and loved by believing Christians until things could be worked out rather that a system, just as she prayed.
this radio dj repeats over and over -- God hears the widow's prayer. the widow prayed and God answered her prayer. God hears the widow.
quietly within my heart, a floodgate opens and my prayers -- even those not known conscously -- gush forth. i quickly close the gate. enough. i have revealed enough. maybe too much. drip. drop.
tonight, a phone message. oh, the irony. this floodwater of prayer and then this message.
now what comes forth?
laughter. the absolute joy bubbling up from within and spilling out into the room, together with an infectious smile that sparkles and causes light to dance on that which is overflowing. i cannot stop. even now, laughter sits on my lips like a child eagerly waiting to dive in.
this is how i feel at this moment.
isn't our God so good?
yes. yes, He is.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
grief revisited
yesterday, baby Shannon went to be with Jesus. baby Shannon was the daughter of my dear friends who live in the country of Georgia located near Turkey & Azerbaijan. after 13 weeks of fighting for life in the womb and nine days fighting an infection, they released her into the arms of Jesus.
my girls and i prayed and prayed for that little girl, journeying with our friends through prayer, believing that God would deliver this little one safely into the world and bring her into fullness of life. that was not the case. needless to say, this news saddened my kids and i very much.
when i found out the news that Shannon was in the arms of Jesus, i was ironically watching one of our ewes at the farm giving birth to a sweet little lamb. black with 2 little white spots on his nose -- we call him "starry night".... "night" for short. LIFE coming into the farmyard. then watching this little guy try to walk on spindly legs, even rolling over a couple of times because he could barely stand. [this remind me of "hold my heart" by 10th Avenue North]
this news has rocked me. i am walking around in a fog. i can't remember things or keep my thoughts together in one place -- they run all over. i am exhausted. basically, i feel like i did two and a half years ago. the only way i can explain it is that because of Brian's passing, when death occurs around me -- especially to someone so close & whom i love so much -- the feelings come rushing back and my response is intensified. obviously death happens around us all the time, but when it isn't happening within our close circle of relationships, the effect is lessened. yes, it is sad and a part of life but it's different than when it's happening so close to you.
my response is different. i am so grieved by this child's death. my head is spinning.
my children are questioning... why would there be such certainty & specifics given by God to her parents about her only to let her slip away to become a beautiful star in the heavens? why does God let babies die? these are a few of the many questions that swirl. to them, God took her away to heaven. he took their Daddy, too. baby Shannon's death is taking all of us back to those places we thought we had walked away from or grown out of. evidently not...there are things we all need to revisit and deal with in our own way.
if you have taken the time to read this, would you please pray for my friends -- the parents of baby Shannon -- as well as me & my children? we are all on a grief journey... some at the beginning & others a little further along. please pray for traveling mercies.
my girls and i prayed and prayed for that little girl, journeying with our friends through prayer, believing that God would deliver this little one safely into the world and bring her into fullness of life. that was not the case. needless to say, this news saddened my kids and i very much.
when i found out the news that Shannon was in the arms of Jesus, i was ironically watching one of our ewes at the farm giving birth to a sweet little lamb. black with 2 little white spots on his nose -- we call him "starry night".... "night" for short. LIFE coming into the farmyard. then watching this little guy try to walk on spindly legs, even rolling over a couple of times because he could barely stand. [this remind me of "hold my heart" by 10th Avenue North]
this news has rocked me. i am walking around in a fog. i can't remember things or keep my thoughts together in one place -- they run all over. i am exhausted. basically, i feel like i did two and a half years ago. the only way i can explain it is that because of Brian's passing, when death occurs around me -- especially to someone so close & whom i love so much -- the feelings come rushing back and my response is intensified. obviously death happens around us all the time, but when it isn't happening within our close circle of relationships, the effect is lessened. yes, it is sad and a part of life but it's different than when it's happening so close to you.
my response is different. i am so grieved by this child's death. my head is spinning.
my children are questioning... why would there be such certainty & specifics given by God to her parents about her only to let her slip away to become a beautiful star in the heavens? why does God let babies die? these are a few of the many questions that swirl. to them, God took her away to heaven. he took their Daddy, too. baby Shannon's death is taking all of us back to those places we thought we had walked away from or grown out of. evidently not...there are things we all need to revisit and deal with in our own way.
if you have taken the time to read this, would you please pray for my friends -- the parents of baby Shannon -- as well as me & my children? we are all on a grief journey... some at the beginning & others a little further along. please pray for traveling mercies.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Welcome to the jungle....
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
power in pain
It’s the painful testings that hold the possibility of powerful testimony — and every trial is but steps in your triumphant march. --Ann Voskamp
as i was reading this daily gift that comes in to my inbox every morning, i was struck between the eyes and in my heart by the above sentence.
painful testing
yes. there have been painful testings. how will i love? will i enable? will i keep my secret or will i share? will i hate God for what I have been through, blaming him for my inner suffering when many of the answers of comfort i was looking for were in front of me the entire time? will i blame myself for what has happened?
BLAME. this word haunts. it has been evident since the Fall in Genesis. it is a consistent thread woven through the history of humanity. there's always a reason, right? always someone or something to blame for the choices we make.
there's a reason that blame rhymes with shame.... blame brings it about.
SHAME. this word is a heavy burden. so many people carry it. Brian carried it. i carry it. i carry it for him a lot of the time. shame is what hinders the testimony from being powerful. the shame hinders the testimony from being heard. sigh.
powerful testimony
the possibilities of powerful testimony are there but shame can get in the way. it is a triumphant march for the greater purpose of a great God who loves me and who will receive all the glory in the evidence of him in my life.
lay down the shame that piggybacks on blame. give up the pain in exchange for the power of The One who heals and makes new. hold your head high and march triumphantly in the victory that God has already claimed.
this song comes to mind...
as i was reading this daily gift that comes in to my inbox every morning, i was struck between the eyes and in my heart by the above sentence.
painful testing
yes. there have been painful testings. how will i love? will i enable? will i keep my secret or will i share? will i hate God for what I have been through, blaming him for my inner suffering when many of the answers of comfort i was looking for were in front of me the entire time? will i blame myself for what has happened?
BLAME. this word haunts. it has been evident since the Fall in Genesis. it is a consistent thread woven through the history of humanity. there's always a reason, right? always someone or something to blame for the choices we make.
there's a reason that blame rhymes with shame.... blame brings it about.
SHAME. this word is a heavy burden. so many people carry it. Brian carried it. i carry it. i carry it for him a lot of the time. shame is what hinders the testimony from being powerful. the shame hinders the testimony from being heard. sigh.
powerful testimony
the possibilities of powerful testimony are there but shame can get in the way. it is a triumphant march for the greater purpose of a great God who loves me and who will receive all the glory in the evidence of him in my life.
lay down the shame that piggybacks on blame. give up the pain in exchange for the power of The One who heals and makes new. hold your head high and march triumphantly in the victory that God has already claimed.
this song comes to mind...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)