this year i went to boise, idaho, for my birthday. the kids and i flew up there to see some very dear friends of mine. it was so much fun! my friends blessed me and i feel loved!
robin took me to a tea at a tea house in meridian. [a funny aside -- the last time we went to tea, it was at the british emporium in upland and there, i lost my original wedding ring! i was devastated, but to make things worse, i didn't even notice until the next morning when i was getting ready for work! phht]
afterward, we had our toes done at a local salon... boy, did i feel pampered. no kids! woohoo!
when we got back to her place, the kids had decorated the kitchen with birthday decor and they were all fancy for tea, too!
shortly after, steph came over and took me for coffee at rembrandt's, a cool little coffeehouse that is inside of a renovated church.
when we were finished, we headed back to robin's for dinner -- falafel with balsamic salad and hummus... so yum!
the cake for dessert was carrot... really cute with sunflowers and bees.
it was a great birthday filled with love.
thanks, girls! i love you both so much!
Friday, October 1, 2010
birthday memory
i thought of brian and a dear friend today when the kids and i were at the LA County Fair. we were doing crafts in the millard sheets gallery and i remembered. there i had run in to an old friend and his girlfriend. i was so surprised -- but pleasantly -- to see him. we parted ways but i got his number before we did so.
shortly after that, Brian called me and said he'd be joining us at the Fair after all. you see, it was my birthday [9/25] and he had initially promised to go with us and then work came up and he couldn't. i was sad and disappointed, to be sure, but then with a surprise call, he was able to keep his promise. i can still see him coming towards me, looking handsome and charming with that amazing smile of his, hugging and kissing me. almost immediately afterward, he thrust a small envelope into my hand. it was a gift card to a very nice local day spa. [i still haven't used the gift certificate]. after a short time with just me & the kids, he called up this friend and we ended up spending the rest of our time there with him and his girlfriend.
today all the memories and good thoughts from that day swept over me. that was a good day.... a really good day. one that was truly a gift and one i will always remember with fondness.
shortly after that, Brian called me and said he'd be joining us at the Fair after all. you see, it was my birthday [9/25] and he had initially promised to go with us and then work came up and he couldn't. i was sad and disappointed, to be sure, but then with a surprise call, he was able to keep his promise. i can still see him coming towards me, looking handsome and charming with that amazing smile of his, hugging and kissing me. almost immediately afterward, he thrust a small envelope into my hand. it was a gift card to a very nice local day spa. [i still haven't used the gift certificate]. after a short time with just me & the kids, he called up this friend and we ended up spending the rest of our time there with him and his girlfriend.
today all the memories and good thoughts from that day swept over me. that was a good day.... a really good day. one that was truly a gift and one i will always remember with fondness.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
a funny...
McKenna: "Dad was pretty lucky to have you."
Me: "Oh yeah? Why's that?"
McKenna: "You know how to spell."
Me: "Oh yeah? Why's that?"
McKenna: "You know how to spell."
Sunday, September 5, 2010
it approaches...
September 9th looms in the distance. like a series of clouds full of lightning and storm, so are these next few days before the anniversary of your death. i play like a movie in my head the moments, minutes, conversations, looks, fears, hugs, kisses, laughs, tears. the moment i heard the news you were dead... all of it.
today in church, 2 songs were sung for worship -- "hungry" and "breathe" -- that i listened to constantly during those tough times we had. why today? those songs are ancient history in the timeline of worship in the church. so, why? **sigh**
if you are reading this -- please, please, please remember us all in your prayers. Brian's parents and siblings are struggling. the kids and I are struggling. pray that our great God sends down his Holy Spirit like a flood, that all of us would be unable to deny His presence and existence, along with the assurance that Brian is in heaven resting in the arms of Jesus, communing with the saints.
my heart is hurting. my mind is mush. it is completely and unbelievably overwhelming to think that in a few days i will have been a widow for one year.
please pray.
today in church, 2 songs were sung for worship -- "hungry" and "breathe" -- that i listened to constantly during those tough times we had. why today? those songs are ancient history in the timeline of worship in the church. so, why? **sigh**
if you are reading this -- please, please, please remember us all in your prayers. Brian's parents and siblings are struggling. the kids and I are struggling. pray that our great God sends down his Holy Spirit like a flood, that all of us would be unable to deny His presence and existence, along with the assurance that Brian is in heaven resting in the arms of Jesus, communing with the saints.
my heart is hurting. my mind is mush. it is completely and unbelievably overwhelming to think that in a few days i will have been a widow for one year.
please pray.
Friday, August 13, 2010
i n c e p t i o n
*****POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT for the movie*****
Dear Brian,
First let me start by saying that I love you. And I miss you terribly. Especially tonight. Tonight I did something I have never done... I went to the movies by myself. Honestly, I liked it a little because I was totally in the movie and no one could distract me out of it. But mostly I liked because I sort imagined us on a date together. God, you would have loved this film. The DP was amazing right from the start and the production designer? Guy Dyas... I knew it had to be someone with big shows under his belt... really good. You know, a couple of holes with unanswered questions (as usual) but overall a great movie. It kind of reminded me of The Matrix mixed with a bit of The Bourne Identity, and maybe slight residual from Charlie Kaufman. Oh how I wish you were here to talk about it with me. So much conversation from this film!
Well. I'll just cut to the chase. Bawled my eyes out twice -- 1/ when Dom and Moll are in the 4th dream level and he says, "we had our time. It's time to let you go." OMG. When it comes to you, I don't want to let you go. I want you in my dreams. I wish you'd visit me more within my dreams. I remember one time I even told the kids to be quiet because I was talking to you and I did everything to hang on to you there. Oh how I wanted you to stay!
I have actually been dreaming a lot more, especially this past vacation. Almost every night. Why is that? It was lovely to be with you there when you did show up.
So 2/ at the end when Dom reunites with his children and they yell, "Daddy!" What I wouldn't give to hear our three yell that out again as you walk through the door. They miss you so much.
I guess these things shall only happen in my dreams....
And one last thing... I realize, too, that sometimes you would take a misconception at its simplest level and perceive it as truth, which eventually became so much the truth to you that you could no longer see what was truth and what wasn't, just like what happens in this film. These misconceptions were not of God, but of the Evil One. What should have been your totem? God's Word -- not just reading it, but BELIEVING it. How I wish now you could see and know the impact you made on the lives of so many because when you held on to the simple truth of God's love for you... when you did, it grew. like the sunflower, one could give/share LIFE with many... you did.
I love you, my sweet. Visit with me.
Until we are in heaven reunited --
Heidi
If you have seen the movie and are reading this, i'd love to hear your thoughts/ideas/opinions about this film!
Dear Brian,
First let me start by saying that I love you. And I miss you terribly. Especially tonight. Tonight I did something I have never done... I went to the movies by myself. Honestly, I liked it a little because I was totally in the movie and no one could distract me out of it. But mostly I liked because I sort imagined us on a date together. God, you would have loved this film. The DP was amazing right from the start and the production designer? Guy Dyas... I knew it had to be someone with big shows under his belt... really good. You know, a couple of holes with unanswered questions (as usual) but overall a great movie. It kind of reminded me of The Matrix mixed with a bit of The Bourne Identity, and maybe slight residual from Charlie Kaufman. Oh how I wish you were here to talk about it with me. So much conversation from this film!
Well. I'll just cut to the chase. Bawled my eyes out twice -- 1/ when Dom and Moll are in the 4th dream level and he says, "we had our time. It's time to let you go." OMG. When it comes to you, I don't want to let you go. I want you in my dreams. I wish you'd visit me more within my dreams. I remember one time I even told the kids to be quiet because I was talking to you and I did everything to hang on to you there. Oh how I wanted you to stay!
I have actually been dreaming a lot more, especially this past vacation. Almost every night. Why is that? It was lovely to be with you there when you did show up.
So 2/ at the end when Dom reunites with his children and they yell, "Daddy!" What I wouldn't give to hear our three yell that out again as you walk through the door. They miss you so much.
I guess these things shall only happen in my dreams....
And one last thing... I realize, too, that sometimes you would take a misconception at its simplest level and perceive it as truth, which eventually became so much the truth to you that you could no longer see what was truth and what wasn't, just like what happens in this film. These misconceptions were not of God, but of the Evil One. What should have been your totem? God's Word -- not just reading it, but BELIEVING it. How I wish now you could see and know the impact you made on the lives of so many because when you held on to the simple truth of God's love for you... when you did, it grew. like the sunflower, one could give/share LIFE with many... you did.
I love you, my sweet. Visit with me.
Until we are in heaven reunited --
Heidi
If you have seen the movie and are reading this, i'd love to hear your thoughts/ideas/opinions about this film!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
a sunflower garden & three bees
this photo is of ian sitting beneath a trellis that Brian built that now graces the children's garden at our church, flanked on either side by some mammoth sunflowers.
while shooting the garden pics, i caught site of three bees on one of the sunflowers. this brought joy to my heart. if you want to know why [if you don't already], search my blogpost on "the significance of bees".
I AM SMILING TODAY!
while shooting the garden pics, i caught site of three bees on one of the sunflowers. this brought joy to my heart. if you want to know why [if you don't already], search my blogpost on "the significance of bees".
I AM SMILING TODAY!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
sadness, anger and restoration
the kids and i went to the beach thursday to hang out with some friends for a birthday party. why don't we do that more often? i love the beach and feel close to you-know-who when i am there. in fact, a bee actually landed on me as i was thinking and contemplating the fact that i miss him so much. but truthfully, that afternoon [the setting, etc] kind of set me off on a sad spree. missing him and watching the other dads playing with their kids, talking with their wives -- envying the fact that they can do that so casually. i can't. i can't even hate someone. when it comes down to it....
i.
am.
alone.
i can't even put into words how desperately i want him back. i want to scream and let my heart and mind explode with the words that might possibly describe the feelings but i fear i cannot. like something you see with the naked eye that you try to capture on film but the picture just doesn't compare -- the words just don't do it justice. the tears streaming down my face are mere reflections of the feelings and a small river-let flowing from the ocean of emotion.
things may not have been perfect between us. we both had faults [some more glaringly apparent than others] but i loved him so deeply... and still do.
so this sadness culminated over the course of days all stemming from events and triggers from then til now -- spending time with my brother-in-love and his family yesterday, and another birthday party today where i was just hit with a wall of sadness and desperation. all this then erupted into a mad/frustrated/angry-as-hell spree tonight, my emotions running the gamut.
Brian told the girls the night before he died that if they misbehaved while he was gone, i would call him and the consequences would not be good. i can't do that now. he's gone for good.
forever.
the girls' behavior over the last few days has been taking me to the edge and i felt like tonight i looked over the edge down in to the deep emotional canyon below -- the place i could fall easily if i let myself: self-pity. the evil one is tempting me to check out, sleep, be depressed, flip out, do things on my own, let my circumstances get the better of me because i am in a seemingly hopeless situation and if i let my pride get in the way, i will sacrifice all that Brian and i fought for and what i have believed so strongly in all along the way.
well i stand firm and say, "NO." God is my protector and provider. he knows why i am here now in these circumstances and he will "lift me up on wings like eagles." emotions cannot be trusted. i must stand firm in the truth of God's love and his Word.
God will restore what the locusts have eaten. Brian shared these verses with me prior to his death in light of his struggles. and i believe it is true. i am clinging to these words everyday as i watch my children grow and experience life. i can do nothing but. i pray for continued healing and restoration of my broken heart and the hearts of my children.
daily.
i.
am.
alone.
i can't even put into words how desperately i want him back. i want to scream and let my heart and mind explode with the words that might possibly describe the feelings but i fear i cannot. like something you see with the naked eye that you try to capture on film but the picture just doesn't compare -- the words just don't do it justice. the tears streaming down my face are mere reflections of the feelings and a small river-let flowing from the ocean of emotion.
things may not have been perfect between us. we both had faults [some more glaringly apparent than others] but i loved him so deeply... and still do.
so this sadness culminated over the course of days all stemming from events and triggers from then til now -- spending time with my brother-in-love and his family yesterday, and another birthday party today where i was just hit with a wall of sadness and desperation. all this then erupted into a mad/frustrated/angry-as-hell spree tonight, my emotions running the gamut.
Brian told the girls the night before he died that if they misbehaved while he was gone, i would call him and the consequences would not be good. i can't do that now. he's gone for good.
forever.
the girls' behavior over the last few days has been taking me to the edge and i felt like tonight i looked over the edge down in to the deep emotional canyon below -- the place i could fall easily if i let myself: self-pity. the evil one is tempting me to check out, sleep, be depressed, flip out, do things on my own, let my circumstances get the better of me because i am in a seemingly hopeless situation and if i let my pride get in the way, i will sacrifice all that Brian and i fought for and what i have believed so strongly in all along the way.
well i stand firm and say, "NO." God is my protector and provider. he knows why i am here now in these circumstances and he will "lift me up on wings like eagles." emotions cannot be trusted. i must stand firm in the truth of God's love and his Word.
I, the LORD your God,
will make up for the losses
caused by those swarms
and swarms of locusts
I sent to attack you.
My people, you will eat
until you are satisfied.
Then you will praise me
for the wonderful things
I have done.
Never again will you
be put to shame.
Israel, you will know
that I stand at your side.
I am the LORD your God--
there are no other gods.
Never again will you
be put to shame.
Joel 2:25-27
God will restore what the locusts have eaten. Brian shared these verses with me prior to his death in light of his struggles. and i believe it is true. i am clinging to these words everyday as i watch my children grow and experience life. i can do nothing but. i pray for continued healing and restoration of my broken heart and the hearts of my children.
daily.
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