*****POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT for the movie*****
Dear Brian,
First let me start by saying that I love you. And I miss you terribly. Especially tonight. Tonight I did something I have never done... I went to the movies by myself. Honestly, I liked it a little because I was totally in the movie and no one could distract me out of it. But mostly I liked because I sort imagined us on a date together. God, you would have loved this film. The DP was amazing right from the start and the production designer? Guy Dyas... I knew it had to be someone with big shows under his belt... really good. You know, a couple of holes with unanswered questions (as usual) but overall a great movie. It kind of reminded me of The Matrix mixed with a bit of The Bourne Identity, and maybe slight residual from Charlie Kaufman. Oh how I wish you were here to talk about it with me. So much conversation from this film!
Well. I'll just cut to the chase. Bawled my eyes out twice -- 1/ when Dom and Moll are in the 4th dream level and he says, "we had our time. It's time to let you go." OMG. When it comes to you, I don't want to let you go. I want you in my dreams. I wish you'd visit me more within my dreams. I remember one time I even told the kids to be quiet because I was talking to you and I did everything to hang on to you there. Oh how I wanted you to stay!
I have actually been dreaming a lot more, especially this past vacation. Almost every night. Why is that? It was lovely to be with you there when you did show up.
So 2/ at the end when Dom reunites with his children and they yell, "Daddy!" What I wouldn't give to hear our three yell that out again as you walk through the door. They miss you so much.
I guess these things shall only happen in my dreams....
And one last thing... I realize, too, that sometimes you would take a misconception at its simplest level and perceive it as truth, which eventually became so much the truth to you that you could no longer see what was truth and what wasn't, just like what happens in this film. These misconceptions were not of God, but of the Evil One. What should have been your totem? God's Word -- not just reading it, but BELIEVING it. How I wish now you could see and know the impact you made on the lives of so many because when you held on to the simple truth of God's love for you... when you did, it grew. like the sunflower, one could give/share LIFE with many... you did.
I love you, my sweet. Visit with me.
Until we are in heaven reunited --
Heidi
If you have seen the movie and are reading this, i'd love to hear your thoughts/ideas/opinions about this film!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
a sunflower garden & three bees
this photo is of ian sitting beneath a trellis that Brian built that now graces the children's garden at our church, flanked on either side by some mammoth sunflowers.
while shooting the garden pics, i caught site of three bees on one of the sunflowers. this brought joy to my heart. if you want to know why [if you don't already], search my blogpost on "the significance of bees".
I AM SMILING TODAY!
while shooting the garden pics, i caught site of three bees on one of the sunflowers. this brought joy to my heart. if you want to know why [if you don't already], search my blogpost on "the significance of bees".
I AM SMILING TODAY!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
sadness, anger and restoration
the kids and i went to the beach thursday to hang out with some friends for a birthday party. why don't we do that more often? i love the beach and feel close to you-know-who when i am there. in fact, a bee actually landed on me as i was thinking and contemplating the fact that i miss him so much. but truthfully, that afternoon [the setting, etc] kind of set me off on a sad spree. missing him and watching the other dads playing with their kids, talking with their wives -- envying the fact that they can do that so casually. i can't. i can't even hate someone. when it comes down to it....
i.
am.
alone.
i can't even put into words how desperately i want him back. i want to scream and let my heart and mind explode with the words that might possibly describe the feelings but i fear i cannot. like something you see with the naked eye that you try to capture on film but the picture just doesn't compare -- the words just don't do it justice. the tears streaming down my face are mere reflections of the feelings and a small river-let flowing from the ocean of emotion.
things may not have been perfect between us. we both had faults [some more glaringly apparent than others] but i loved him so deeply... and still do.
so this sadness culminated over the course of days all stemming from events and triggers from then til now -- spending time with my brother-in-love and his family yesterday, and another birthday party today where i was just hit with a wall of sadness and desperation. all this then erupted into a mad/frustrated/angry-as-hell spree tonight, my emotions running the gamut.
Brian told the girls the night before he died that if they misbehaved while he was gone, i would call him and the consequences would not be good. i can't do that now. he's gone for good.
forever.
the girls' behavior over the last few days has been taking me to the edge and i felt like tonight i looked over the edge down in to the deep emotional canyon below -- the place i could fall easily if i let myself: self-pity. the evil one is tempting me to check out, sleep, be depressed, flip out, do things on my own, let my circumstances get the better of me because i am in a seemingly hopeless situation and if i let my pride get in the way, i will sacrifice all that Brian and i fought for and what i have believed so strongly in all along the way.
well i stand firm and say, "NO." God is my protector and provider. he knows why i am here now in these circumstances and he will "lift me up on wings like eagles." emotions cannot be trusted. i must stand firm in the truth of God's love and his Word.
God will restore what the locusts have eaten. Brian shared these verses with me prior to his death in light of his struggles. and i believe it is true. i am clinging to these words everyday as i watch my children grow and experience life. i can do nothing but. i pray for continued healing and restoration of my broken heart and the hearts of my children.
daily.
i.
am.
alone.
i can't even put into words how desperately i want him back. i want to scream and let my heart and mind explode with the words that might possibly describe the feelings but i fear i cannot. like something you see with the naked eye that you try to capture on film but the picture just doesn't compare -- the words just don't do it justice. the tears streaming down my face are mere reflections of the feelings and a small river-let flowing from the ocean of emotion.
things may not have been perfect between us. we both had faults [some more glaringly apparent than others] but i loved him so deeply... and still do.
so this sadness culminated over the course of days all stemming from events and triggers from then til now -- spending time with my brother-in-love and his family yesterday, and another birthday party today where i was just hit with a wall of sadness and desperation. all this then erupted into a mad/frustrated/angry-as-hell spree tonight, my emotions running the gamut.
Brian told the girls the night before he died that if they misbehaved while he was gone, i would call him and the consequences would not be good. i can't do that now. he's gone for good.
forever.
the girls' behavior over the last few days has been taking me to the edge and i felt like tonight i looked over the edge down in to the deep emotional canyon below -- the place i could fall easily if i let myself: self-pity. the evil one is tempting me to check out, sleep, be depressed, flip out, do things on my own, let my circumstances get the better of me because i am in a seemingly hopeless situation and if i let my pride get in the way, i will sacrifice all that Brian and i fought for and what i have believed so strongly in all along the way.
well i stand firm and say, "NO." God is my protector and provider. he knows why i am here now in these circumstances and he will "lift me up on wings like eagles." emotions cannot be trusted. i must stand firm in the truth of God's love and his Word.
I, the LORD your God,
will make up for the losses
caused by those swarms
and swarms of locusts
I sent to attack you.
My people, you will eat
until you are satisfied.
Then you will praise me
for the wonderful things
I have done.
Never again will you
be put to shame.
Israel, you will know
that I stand at your side.
I am the LORD your God--
there are no other gods.
Never again will you
be put to shame.
Joel 2:25-27
God will restore what the locusts have eaten. Brian shared these verses with me prior to his death in light of his struggles. and i believe it is true. i am clinging to these words everyday as i watch my children grow and experience life. i can do nothing but. i pray for continued healing and restoration of my broken heart and the hearts of my children.
daily.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
sad day... for other reasons
i find myself at the end of this day sadder than i have been for quite some time, but for reasons other than Brian's passing. today i have come to realize that 3 dear families are moving far away [1=Seattle; 1=St. Louis; 1=Philadelphia] and this saddens me. i guess all this time i just took for granted that they'd be there and i could visit whenever i wanted, even on a whim. well, sadly, this will no longer be the case and shockingly, the whim rarely came. i have been too caught up in my own life's circumstances to make an effort. but then again, maybe they have been caught up in their own circumstances to do the same.
another sad thing today is that 2 very dear families to me are walking a treacherous path. divorce seems extremely possible for both and this saddens me greatly. the men in these families are making poor choices and frankly, if a married man leaves his wife to be with another woman, the other woman should say, "hell, no!" to any of that because he has shown himself to be unfaithful in the first and most important place... in marriage! [jesse james and sandra bullock are coming to mind about now].
so my heart is heavy and i am feeling a bit verklempt as i write this.
SOAPBOX [if you don't wanna hear it, don't read it]:
gentlemen: step up and take responsibility. if you have the Holy Spirit within you, then call upon his name and ask for some help! you can only change yourself and you need to be the best man you can be for the sake of your family. get into the Word, stand strong, get accountability and make positive changes in your life for the betterment of yourself. and you know what? you will see changes in your wife! your kids! your friends! and they will be good changes.
Ephesians 5:25-33a
ladies: unfortunately, it does take two to tango. if you are blaming your husband for all wrongdoing... stop. take a look at yourself first. we all contribute something, even if it's sarcasm, bitterness, bad attitude or indifference. it sucks and it's hard but it's the only way YOU can make a positive change, too. we like pointing fingers and blame, blame, blame [it's been that way with women from the beginning -- read Genesis 3! nothing but "the blame game" going on.] ladies, you too need to get into the Word, get on your knees [daily!], get accountability and make positive changes in your life for the betterment of yourself. and you know what? you too will see changes in your family! and i think you will like what you see.
Ephesians 5:22-24, 33b
the American family must be preserved and the Enemy is aiming for the men, the women not far behind. since Brian's passing this has come to the forefront of my mind as i watched Brian's struggle and now watch the struggles of other men against many vices. i was a woman of control, sarcasm, indifference at times, blame and bitterness. God showed me a higher road. i made choices, many of which were difficult, but i had to stop blaming. and honestly, Brian became stronger in many moments because of those choices to take care of my own sickness instead of his. we must all turn from our vices and embrace the virtues, especially in marriage, such a delicate balance: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.
and only with God's help can we do it.
another sad thing today is that 2 very dear families to me are walking a treacherous path. divorce seems extremely possible for both and this saddens me greatly. the men in these families are making poor choices and frankly, if a married man leaves his wife to be with another woman, the other woman should say, "hell, no!" to any of that because he has shown himself to be unfaithful in the first and most important place... in marriage! [jesse james and sandra bullock are coming to mind about now].
so my heart is heavy and i am feeling a bit verklempt as i write this.
SOAPBOX [if you don't wanna hear it, don't read it]:
gentlemen: step up and take responsibility. if you have the Holy Spirit within you, then call upon his name and ask for some help! you can only change yourself and you need to be the best man you can be for the sake of your family. get into the Word, stand strong, get accountability and make positive changes in your life for the betterment of yourself. and you know what? you will see changes in your wife! your kids! your friends! and they will be good changes.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself
Ephesians 5:25-33a
ladies: unfortunately, it does take two to tango. if you are blaming your husband for all wrongdoing... stop. take a look at yourself first. we all contribute something, even if it's sarcasm, bitterness, bad attitude or indifference. it sucks and it's hard but it's the only way YOU can make a positive change, too. we like pointing fingers and blame, blame, blame [it's been that way with women from the beginning -- read Genesis 3! nothing but "the blame game" going on.] ladies, you too need to get into the Word, get on your knees [daily!], get accountability and make positive changes in your life for the betterment of yourself. and you know what? you too will see changes in your family! and i think you will like what you see.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything....the wife must respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:22-24, 33b
the American family must be preserved and the Enemy is aiming for the men, the women not far behind. since Brian's passing this has come to the forefront of my mind as i watched Brian's struggle and now watch the struggles of other men against many vices. i was a woman of control, sarcasm, indifference at times, blame and bitterness. God showed me a higher road. i made choices, many of which were difficult, but i had to stop blaming. and honestly, Brian became stronger in many moments because of those choices to take care of my own sickness instead of his. we must all turn from our vices and embrace the virtues, especially in marriage, such a delicate balance: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.
and only with God's help can we do it.
Friday, July 2, 2010
RT 2010 - grieving
I lie here awake unable to sleep. I am thinking about Brian and the times we spent here in Weed, CA, together. Such strong incredible good memories here in this place. I am so blessed to be here, to retrace steps and to also feel so close to God here in the surroundings of trees, streams rushing and big bold blue skies overhead with the occasional cloud or two dotting the sky.
My heart longs for Brian to be here with me, to talk about ministry and just be here to play with the kids. That's where their memories lie. The last time we were here with him there was 6 feet of snow on the ground and it was a massive playground and they played together, built snow houses and sledded and snowboarded to their hearts' content. I love listening to McK describe her time with him and the smile that comes over her face when she talks about it.
A toothbrush, a book he embraced and became passionate about, a coin, a message on a phone... all things left here by him. Almost 10 months ago and within reach, feeling like it was only days ago. He was the favorite... the one everyone loved, full of charisma, but yet so much hurt and pain. DID YOU EVEN KNOW? Tears being shed and a feeling of longing for him to come back to us so deep and intense.
Blessed beyond words... that's me here in this place.
I need to sleep and rest now. I feel myself in the arms of Christ. Deep rest and peace.
My heart longs for Brian to be here with me, to talk about ministry and just be here to play with the kids. That's where their memories lie. The last time we were here with him there was 6 feet of snow on the ground and it was a massive playground and they played together, built snow houses and sledded and snowboarded to their hearts' content. I love listening to McK describe her time with him and the smile that comes over her face when she talks about it.
A toothbrush, a book he embraced and became passionate about, a coin, a message on a phone... all things left here by him. Almost 10 months ago and within reach, feeling like it was only days ago. He was the favorite... the one everyone loved, full of charisma, but yet so much hurt and pain. DID YOU EVEN KNOW? Tears being shed and a feeling of longing for him to come back to us so deep and intense.
Blessed beyond words... that's me here in this place.
I need to sleep and rest now. I feel myself in the arms of Christ. Deep rest and peace.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
RT 2010 - a road of grief
The kids and I had a fun time in Sacramento seeing the sights.
Now we are here in Weed, CA, and the journey here from Sacramento has been a grievous one. so many memories of very poignant moments in our lives, especially the last few years.
Along the way there was field after field of the most beautiful sunflowers.
Comforting in many ways but an intense reminder of him and his love for us.
Now we are here in Weed, CA, and the journey here from Sacramento has been a grievous one. so many memories of very poignant moments in our lives, especially the last few years.
Along the way there was field after field of the most beautiful sunflowers.
Comforting in many ways but an intense reminder of him and his love for us.
Monday, June 28, 2010
RT 2010 - forever absent
Tonight as I write, tears sting my eyes as I feel Brian's absence so strongly. It's quite a thing to travel and realize you are ALONE. And will forever be missing your loved one's presence until that day in the heavenlies when we see them again.
We are in Sacramento now where it was a blazing 111*F! When we got here we went to the Blue Diamond almond factory and then checked in to the hotel and went swimming. I could hear Brian's voice as I watched the kids in the pool. His warnings and laughter, his teasing and stolen moments with the kids. Oh, how my heart aches. Oh, how I wish he were here enjoying this time with us!
We had such a wonderful time with our friends on their Ranch. So fulfilling and so needed. I pray that our time tomorrow will be peaceful and full of joy!
Amen!
We are in Sacramento now where it was a blazing 111*F! When we got here we went to the Blue Diamond almond factory and then checked in to the hotel and went swimming. I could hear Brian's voice as I watched the kids in the pool. His warnings and laughter, his teasing and stolen moments with the kids. Oh, how my heart aches. Oh, how I wish he were here enjoying this time with us!
We had such a wonderful time with our friends on their Ranch. So fulfilling and so needed. I pray that our time tomorrow will be peaceful and full of joy!
Amen!
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