RT 2010 - being refreshed and renewed

Aaaahhhh, friends. Deep breath in.... exhale out from deep within.

As I lie here in my bed, the moon spills it's gentle light on to my pillow. It illuminates enough to see but not like the overpowering light of the sun. That is exactly how things have been here on the ranch in Fresno. Areas in my life being illuminated enough for me to see them. Recognizing their existence and being reminded of their presence but not having them be under great magnification... just gentle reminders.

The past two years have been filled with trying times, more significantly the last ten months. I have a passion for Jesus -- this is being renewed. I have a passion for homeschooling my children and helping others along their own homeschooling journey -- this is being restored.

The hand of Providence led me here to this place with these friends that I might begin this incredible adventure with passion and direction, learning once again about my mission and what God has called me to do and what he has called our family to be about.
Thank you God for that subtle illumination. May things be revealed in the soft sun of the morning with great fervor and ignited to flame in the heat by midday. Let not the sun go down on us before we have seen all there is to see for the ways we might glorify you.

As Jewish tradition states, 'the day begins the night before.' Thank you. O most high God!

road trip 2010

Well, we have embarked on a three week journey that will take us to see friends and family in three states.

We made it to our first stop in Fresno. We are visiting the Nicholsons. Such an awesome family. We are blessed to have them in our life as family in Christ! Stacie and I struck up a friendship spontaneously one day after American Heritage Girls in Pasadena and the next week they moved. 2 months later Brian, the kids and I drove up for a visit and felt the power of the Holy Spirit moving among us, having the best time... not wanting to leave. But we did leave and faced so much... both families. Now these folks live on a 5 acre ranch ready to take on the world and seeking God's direction all the way.

I am so blessed to be here. I couldn't think of a better way to begin our journey as family... literally and figuratively.

Hey you guys.... you are loved!

9 months

I am lying here in my bed alone.

Thinking about the date, I realize my intense emotions about June 9. If Brian were still alive, we'd be halfway back to normal. Maybe. But no. Now it is the "new normal," as they say. A life void of one's companion. My longing for Brian and my sadness of losing him has been so deep and so intense these last few days that I cannot even begin to describe it, except that perhaps I feel it to the deepest parts of me. I want to talk to him, touch him, hold him tight. But I cannot. He is not there.

Hello loneliness.

Hello emptiness.

Hello grief.

I think I'm going to cry.... yup, I am.

9 months. It feels like no time has passed, but yet an eternity. OH HOW I WISH YOU WERE HERE! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO? I miss you!

kid in a candy store

Literally. Ian walked in to Cousin's Candy Store in Old Town San Diego about 20 feet ahead of me. The place was so small -- it was cramped and crowded. I couldn't find him. Next thing I know, he says, "hi mom" with a mouth full of yellow taffy, drooling all over the place. After that it was like controlling an octopus in a school of fish. Grabbing anything and everything to shove in his mouth.

Boy, am I tired....

anger -- part deux

Yesterday we went out to Venice Beach to have lunch with our former neighbors. They have become very dear friends of ours and they love the girls (and Ian too, even though he was very little when we moved). There is so much joy filling the place when we are all together that it's a little overwhelming!

Anyway, when we arrived at our old stomping grounds, specifically our old place we realized that it was gone! Our former landlady tore the old house down to build anew. When we saw this, McKenna's demeanor totally changed. She became withdrawn, silent, and introverted -- completely the opposite of how she typically acts/behaves. At first I didn't understand, but then I knew...

Every early memory she has with her dad was in that house. It signified her memories of him. Now the house has been torn down, much like her daddy's life -- gone.

It did not affect Av the same way. She seemed almost indifferent to it, like the change would be good.

God continues to show me how different they are...

anger

Today I have been thinking about anger a lot. And I mean a lot. Last night I read a blog post by an acquaintance of mine who is so angry it just seethes out of her and then just oozes off the page to the reader. She lost her husband a year ago and her husband's killer gets out of prison this week.

As I reflect on anger in general, I wonder specifically if I have it. Am I angry because Brian went to heaven and left me here to be alone; to raise three kids by myself?

I have to say no, I am not angry.

Sad, yes.

Disappointed, yes.

Wondering, yes.

My circumstances are different than this acquaintance of mine, meaning the death. Brian left this world by suffocating, being found face down in his pillow. A few weeks prior, we had an amazing conversation about our past together and he apologized for things he had done that hurt me, intentional or not. He had never intended to hurt me but certain choices he made and actions he took did just that. And he apologized for those things -- specifically by name. There was nothing left undealt with between us.

The night before he died, I told him to keep his eyes on Jesus and he did... all the way home to heaven. There are things I won't know until I get to heaven, but right now I know what I need to know.

I know Brian loved me with everything he had.

I know he wanted to serve God and do what was right, even though it would have been difficult.

Tonight, the girls went to The Attic, the bereavement group for kids at our church. They did an activity where each person wrote on a plate all that they were angry about and then threw it on the ground to break it. Get that anger out! Turn it over to Jesus! I was asked if I wanted to take a plate and do it and I declined.

I am really not angry.

Everyone deals with loss and grief in their own way and EVERY person's experience is different. I hope that others anger will subside and that they will feel peace as I do.

Father God, help me to understand and be empathetic toward others who have experienced loss. Use me for your glory and let your light shine brightly through me.
Amen.

another "see you later"

I chuckle to myself as I remember something my dad always used to say to me when we would part ways. He would never let me say good-bye. It was always, "see you later." And now, I am so glad he instilled that in me. Because I will. I will see him later. Later in heaven along with my dear Brian, whom I miss so deeply.

My dad lost his battle with merkel cell carcinoma [MCC] yesterday morning. what an intense time it was. Thankfully mom and I had a friend here with us to keep watch over him through the night as his passing hour drew nearer. We rested, Dad struggled with his breathing, our friend prayed, and the nurse on duty desperately wanted to help my dad in those final hours.

Looking back, I cannot see that my dad would have ever been feeble and week as some elderly folks get. No, he was strong, really, to the end. Even though he could no longer eat or drink, his physical body, mental energy and heart were strong. The MCC didn't become invasive to his body but rather just took over his neck and face area, eventually closing off his esophagus so he could no longer breathe. If he had to have cancer, MCC was really the best for him. He saw it growing everyday, not worrying about where else it was going. He liked to be in control of things, and though he could not control the cancer's growth, he had a handle on where it was. Typically cancer grows on the inside and one cannot see it. It's slow and painful oftentimes. In Dad's case, no. It grew quickly [overtaking his throat area in less than a week] and painlessly [except for pressure he felt on his jaw bone and the occasional pain spike in his neck near the spine].

Really, God was so good. I shake my head as I write because I just can't believe i even write this stuff sometimes. But the feeling is real and genuine in my heart. Just like I believe Brian's death was a merciful one, the same rings true here.

Well, Dad, I miss you. I've got no one to help me out with the car now and I don't know who I'll turn to for those big bear hugs you gave. But you know, God is good. I am sure you see that now that you are with him for eternity. I love you, Dad. And I WILL see you later.